A Tribute to My Friend

Lexus came into my house for the first time in a tiny dog carrier about a week after being spayed in the late spring of 2007. She was to be my foster dog.  She had just left a 12 week old litter of puppies and had a fear of everything. She also had a painful and chronic foot condition caused by grass awns. I reached into her crate to pet her and she flinched. When she finally came out she immediately had an accident on the floor only to quickly retreat back into the safety of her crate. She came to us through Lucky Star Cavalier Rescue who purchased her at a puppy mill auction in Missouri. I was dealing with the heartbreak of two miscarriages a few months earlier and fostering Lexus was to be my summer project, my distraction from the grief.

She was hot natured and loved a good vent.

It took Lexus a few days to feel safe enough to venture outside of her crate to do more than eat or potty, and it took her a few weeks to trust me enough to approach me for petting, months for Ryland, and years for strangers. I'd hold her everyday and pet her, showing her that despite the abuse she'd known in her former life, that people can be kind. Rehabilitating her was therapy for me too. Watching her progress thrilled me. And in some way helped me deal with my grief.

The time came for us to say goodbye to Lexus as we found a forever home for her. She was adopted by my veterinarian and his wife. I was relieved that she'd be going to live with a kind person who would always be able to care for her. I had grown attached to her and cried for a week after giving her away. I kind of felt like she had become mine. And that I was her person.

Always such a pretty girl.

After 6 weeks I took my 2 dogs in for a routine vet visit and in the course of the visit my vet tearfully told me how Lexus had failed to bond with he and his wife, she'd tried to escape, and had been very destructive. He said he felt terribly guilty and wanted to return her to the rescue organization for re-homing. I did a happy dance and bullied my husband into letting us keep her. She was mine and I couldn't bear to let go of her again.

I arranged to pick her up the next day, and when she saw me, I swear she smiled. There was tail wagging, happy noises, and dog-joy like I'd never seen before. She sat in my lap, tongue-out, head out the window as I took her HOME.

Younger and healthy.

Time passed and we made great memories:

* the time she tree'd a squirrel and nearly caught it- she was so proud!

* the way she'd collect all her dog toys and put them in her bed like puppies

* her chronic need to over-eat

* her Houdini like escape abilities

* her first time to see Isaac, she'd sniff his baby hiney and alert us to his dirty diapers, she also hated to hear him cry

* the way she never got aggressive or even attempted to bite- she was the most gentle dog I've ever known

* the way Hope talked to her in her "dog" voice

* the time a nest of baby bunnies fell victim to her even though she was already hard of hearing and vision. Traumatic for us- victory for her.

* the way she snored loud enough to rattle the walls

Those are the things that I'll keep in my heart as I face today and the days after without my dog.

Spot the real puppies.

For months I've been worried about her. Her body has been in decline. Between the episodes of grass awns, a heart murmur, and her hips that don't really function due to birthing too many pups too young, she doesn't have the joy and vigor that she once did. She has become increasingly dependent on me to move her from room to room and her separation anxiety is heart wrenching- she'll cry for me even though I'm only a room away. With her heart condition she is not a candidate for surgery and even if she was it would only prolong a life that no longer has much quality. She is confined only to the carpeted areas of our home which are small and not often close enough to me for her comfort. After reading about my friend Mandy's decision to let go of her Macy (http://soonerstospartans.blogspot.com/?m=1) , talking with my friend who is a vet, and hearing the relief in the voice of my mom when I told her my decision, I realized that the kindest thing I can do is to let go of Lexus.

I cannot medically do anymore to help her, and as I get more pregnant and soon wrapped in the demands of a newborn, I cannot give her relief from pain or enough of me to keep her happy. I firmly believe Lexus would go on for much longer for me. She loves me more than any other person or thing on earth. To her I am perfect and flawless- I am and always have been her person. So today as I say goodbye I am thankful. Thankful that she helped me in the darkest season of my life. Thankful that she endured the "love" inflicted on her by two toddlers. Thankful for her meekness, gentle demeanor, and the joy she received simply from sitting at my feet.

Resting with Isaac.

So I held her and kissed her head as she peacefully went to sleep this morning. My heart aches but I take comfort in knowing that her body is at rest. She'll never know pain again, and it's been a long time since she hasn't known pain.

Last nap in my lap.

Farewell my sweet friend. If lap dogs are allowed in heaven then I hope you'll wait by the fireplace in my house there. Goodness knows that you were a dog who'd deserve it.  You were very loved and will be greatly, greatly missed.

Hiccups

This tiny little girl in my tummy, that I've yet to lay eyes on, except through some grainy ultrasound pictures, learned a new trick this week and has been performing it after dinner.

She hiccups.

Having been pregnant 6 times and carried 2 babies full term I have come to love the bouncing of a wiggly baby with hiccups in my belly. It is a sweet, comforting feeling. Something both foreign and familiar all rolled into one. It is one of the things I will miss when I cross the finish line of child bearing.

I've never felt any of my babies hiccup this early in any pregnancy, in fact I've never felt any of my babies move as early as I've felt Eden. I thought it was odd that the flutters of early pregnancy happened so soon, but just chalked it up to the fact that I know what I'm feeling because I've been pregnant so many times in recent years.

And then last week I had my ultrasound. I found answers. Mostly good ones. A few that I'm trusting God to take care of.

The ultrasound revealed several things:

1) I am having a sweet baby girl. She's already very lady-like. She kept her legs crossed almost the entire time. I got scared thinking she was never going to shows us her tiny baby parts. But alas, she did, and she is a she.

2) The ultrasound tech estimated that Eden is 2 ounces heavier than the average at this stage in development. This thrills me because I have always wanted a chubby, rolly poly baby. I love my two little string beans but Eden may be the child that gives me the chub I've always dreamed of. Stay chunky, baby girl.

3) My placenta is low and in the back. Therefore I am able to feel everything (like freakishly early hiccups) due to less cushion between my body and the baby. This also earned me a bonus ultrasound. The placenta can grow and move as pregnancy progresses, but if it doesn't then I could be at risk for placenta previa, which could or could not cause complications like (bed rest or c-section) at the end of my pregnancy. The same thing happened with Hope, and it moved. I am praying for the same thing this time.

4) EIF- Echogenic Intracardiac Focus- what the crap is that? It is basically a bright spot that shows up in the heart during ultrasound. It is very common, happening in an estimated 1 in 30 second trimester ultrasounds. When it is an isolated issue like mine, meaning no other abnormalities are present, there is usually no cause for concern. Most doctors don't do any follow up testing. It is considered a variation of normal. My doctor said that in his practice, he's never seen an isolated case of EIF result in a baby with any kind of issue. He said that on a freak out scale of 1 to 10 that this is maybe a 1. There is some debate among researchers that in a worst case scenario situation that EIF could be a risk factor for Down's Syndrome. I hope I've made a good case for why this will all be ok, but it is scary when your tiny baby's heart looks weird. There's a good chance that the EIF will not go away until delivery, so it may still be present at the next ultrasound, but again, I am choosing to literally leave Eden's heart in God's hands. He is her creator and maker, her form isn't hidden from Him, He loves her and sees her, and as I feel her little bouncy hiccups on the outside, he fully knows every cell and mechanism. I pray that it is nothing, but if it is something, I pray that God will prepare me to handle it. I will love Eden regardless, I already do.

So I praise Him. For the chance to feel Eden in my womb. For the potentially chubby little body He gave her. For the placenta that will keep her safe and fed until the day we meet. And for her little heart that I already pray will be filled with love for her Savior.

And for the hiccups. The reassurance that she's ok. That something normal is happening. And that for this season and this moment that I get to share it with her, just the two of us. Thank you Jesus. Thank you for the hiccups that help us to trust you even more.

It's A............

It's A........

Girl! A sweet little baby sister girl!

I had many, many dreams about a baby girl, and Isaac and Hope predicted a baby sister about 95% of the time. Naturally, we are thrilled. So bring on 2 prom dress wearers, 2 dancers, 2 weddings, 2 sweet little girls in matching dresses and bows. As much as I love my brother, I always wanted a sister and it thrills me that my girls will have each other. And they already have the best big brother in the world looking out for them. 

And her name.....

We have a kind of formula that we like in baby names. 

We choose the first name based on an attribute of our faith. Isaac was named for the biblical Isaac, who was born to parents who couldn't conceive a baby, and whose faith took some hard hits. Hope was named for the Hope that we have in Christ, that even when things are scary and uncertain, that hope can carry you through, knowing that God is for you. 

Our middle names are family names: Isaac's middle name, Wade, is after Ryland and his father Freddy Wayne, who modernized the "Wayne" to "Wade" when Ryland was born. And Hope's middle name is Angeline (An-juh-leen) after my (Grand) Pa's mother, Mahalia Angeline (An-juh-line) Cobb Harmon, who was a woman of faith who touched lives even after she left this earth. 

So this sweet little girl will be: 

Eden Kenlie Russell

We chose Eden for several reasons: 1) Eden means "delight" and since our plan is for this to be our last baby we want to remember to delight in her and not rush the time. It also reminds us of how God delights in us, and to live a life worthy of that delight. 2) Eden was also named for the biblical Garden of Eden, where creation happened, and where God walked with man. People call it paradise. We want Eden to walk with her creator. And after the loss of three babies, getting to be the parents of three children is our own version of paradise. 3) I don't like names that are trendy, super popular, or spelled weird. (Note: I love lots of kids who have trendy names, have lots of kids in their class with the same name, or names that are spelled weird. And I love the parents who named those kids! Just a preference thing!) Eden is neither trendy, overused (I don't even know an Eden), or spelled weird. I didn't break any of my rules. 

The middle name, Kenlie, is in honor of two people that we love very much, Ryland's late Grandfather, Kenneth Bush, and his grandmother Rosalie. It's a mash-up of their names. Together they created an amazing legacy of serving God and others, generosity, and a love for family that we hope will be part of our little girl's legacy. 

Through the coming months we are excited to pray for our girl by name. We are so in love already and I can't wait to start decorating her peacock nursery. 

Eden, our baby, we can't wait to hold you, and welcome you into this crazy family. 

The 2 Biggies

I had a goal of 52 blog posts this year- 1 per week.

I think it is safe to say- RIP blog goal.

It's not that I haven't had material. I actually have lots of announcements, sweet moments, and treasured memories. I'm just going to have to tell some of them from hindsight. Which is ok. There's still plenty of love in them.

So without any further adieu..... Here are the two big most memorable moments/announcements/updates of the last four months.

1) Swizzle Malarkey Russell:

This sweet little blob of goo is my sweet baby that will be coming to a bassinet near me around December 2. This pregnancy has been so different from the other two. I don't know if it is my age, I don't know if it is the fact that I've been pregnant 6 times in 6 years, or if it is the fact that I'm already a mother of two very active preschoolers, but this has been hard. I hesitate to complain because I know very well that there are thousands of women that would trade places with me in a heartbeat- two healthy kids and a viable, healthy pregnancy to boot. But in honesty, it has been hard. My morning sickness started early than ever before (at 5 and a half weeks), the fatigue and nausea have been brutal, and I am still at 18 weeks throwing up and dealing with migraines. And my favorite part is that every time I throw up, I wet my pants. It's awesome. But when I lie down and can feel this little person wiggle in my belly, I am grateful. Beyond grateful. I remember how God has restored my body that was not able to produce and sustain life at one time. I remember the three losses of babies who faces I'll only see in glory. I remember that with this child, God is returning all that was taken. And even through the dry heaves and headaches, I ask God to give me perspective, and fill me with thankfulness.

Ryland and I had planned to not find out Swizzle's gender, but one night as my fingers wandered through the baby bedding selections on Target.com, I had an epiphany. My plan was to complete a nursery after the baby comes. In December. Maybe for you December is a calming and relaxing month. Not in my house. It is delusional for me to think that with a newborn I am even going to be taking regular showers, let alone complete shopping, family traditions, sleep at all, and do a nursery. And I am not a gender neutral person. I just can't. So, on July 8th, we will have an ultrasound where we will hopefully find out if the nursery will be monster or peacock themed. 

The kids change their minds daily on whether they want a brother or sister, but 95% of the time, they vote for a sister. And I constantly dream of a little baby girl. So my money is on girl, but I'll be excited to have either.

2) Home Sweet Home-

After 2 and-a-half years of renting following the fiasco of selling our last home, we finally recovered enough to purchase a home. I wish I was showing you pictures of how I have it completed, decorated, and exactly as I want it. But alas, I am not. I found out that Swizzle was on the way the day before moving and I have spent time since then puking, cat napping, and surviving in general. I am hoping that I will get that second trimester burst of energy, I'm waiting patiently. I hope it gets here soon. Maybe someday I can show you pictures. 

There you have it. Those are the two biggest events that have consumed my life and time lately. There will be more to come. If nothing else. There are lots of cute pictures of my kids to come. Thank you Lord for this busy but oh so sweet season of life in the Russell house.