Here we are, it's only a few hours from April. The trees are blooming, storms are moving in. It seems that God has shown up just in time to make all things new again. He is so good at that.
God introduced the idea of a blog to me through my friend, Flo. Her daughter, Laura lives in Kansas and blogs in order to keep her friends and family up to date on what is going on in the life of her son. Flo talks about how much fun it is to look back and see all the things that have happened in the last two years. It got me thinking. We aren't great at calling everyone, even when we do we forget stuff, so why not blog and then our bases are covered. Well, here we are. God is doing so much in our lives that we need to share it. We need to put it out there. I think I have waited so long because sometimes it is hard to go back and re-visit those things that hurt so much. Heartbreak that blindsides you and changes you so instantly. But we will. Because our God takes what is good and gives us better. He looks at our plan and laughs. He asks us to change our idea of what we think we want to His idea of what we need.
That being said, this is intensely personal stuff. It is scary to put your heart out there to be judged. I think more than anything, this is therapy for me to share my heart with those I love and ask you to pray, giving thanks for what has gone before and seeking God's face for the next chapter of the story.
Here goes nothing..........
Most of you know what the last year and a half of our lives have been consumed with. One word: BABIES. In September of 2006 we decided that we were ready. We started praying, daydreaming, wishing and romanticising the idea of our firstborn. Our pray was answered on December 11, 2006. We found out that we were expecting. We laughed, we cried, we thanked God over and over and over. No one could have been more grateful. We surprised our families at Christmas and shared our joyful news. We started to plan and dream. But a few days later we lost our dream. January 1, 2007 was our saddest new years day ever, and we pray it will remain so.
With a doctor's go-ahead and the knowledge that Mindy was conceived the month following a miscarriage, we just took it as a fluke and began trying again. We were successful! At the beginning of February we found out that we were expecting again. We knew that surely this one must be a keeper. We waited until after a doctor's visit, then we told everyone! We are terrible "good" secret keepers. We love sharing our joy with those we love. But an early ultrasound showed us that our sweet angel was not to be. We lost baby #2 on March 13. We were devastated. I would even say destroyed. It was the hardest loss I have ever experienced. I carried that one for 10 weeks and it seemed with each hour I was more attached.
At this point, my wonderful principal & assistant principal at WR pulled me aside and asked me if I had ever considered seeing a fertility specialist. It still had never crossed my mind that somethng could possibly be wrong with me. Sure, women in my family had miscarriages, but NEVER problems. I wanted it just to be a fluke that would never happen again. With gentle encouragement, I went to see Dr. David Kallenberger. He lovingly cared for me through the second miscarriage and then suggested that we do tests to pinpoint possible problems.
We did blood tests to check for about 10 different issues: diabetes, thyroid, lupus, prolactin, estrogen, progesterone..... Nothing. Nada. Zilch. All perfect. Just as I had suspected, it was some cosmic fluke. God had made a mistake. He must have looked away for a moment and forgotten how much we desperately wanted a baby. Wrong again.
Dr. Kallenberger wanted to do one more test. Men, now is where you stop reading if you are squeamish or embarrassed by "girl things", just skip ahead to the next paragraph. Dr. Kallenberger wanted to do a hysteroscopy, this is where a camera is inserted into the uterus to look for deformities. I declined at first. It was expensive and I just KNEW he wouldn't find anything. After a month or two, my curiosity drove me back to his office for the procedure. After a valium and a percoset I was loopy. I knew the procedure was about 10 minutes. Piece of cake- so I thought... After three VERY painful numbing shots in a very personal place, they inserted the camera and I thought I was going to die. It was insanely painful. And I was too loopy to run away. Thats what they do, they drug you until you are immobile then they hurt you! Then something unexpected happened. Dr. Kallenberger matter of factly said, "Yep, you've got a septum, look on the screen, right there." He pointed to my heart shaped uterus, which is supposed to be open and big for a baby to grow correctly.
This condition "septate uterus" is very common. And can be easily removed with a laser. I scheduled my surgery for a month later. My surgery was very easy. I went to the hospital, they put me in a robe, I laid in a recliner covered with warm blankets and the anestheisiologist promised me in his cute Puerto Rican accent that I would soon feel like I had drank "two pina coladas on the beach". Dr. K held my hand as I passed out and I woke 45 minutes later, healed, perfected, ready to bear the child that I wanted so desperately.
In August 07 I began taking Clomid so that my cycle would be easier to track. I thought we'd be pregnant right away. I mean, I was fixed and on fertility drugs, should be no problem, right? But that began some ugly days, what I refer to as living my life in two week increments. The drugs made me hungry and mean. I would have a period,wait two weeks, track ovulation, do what is necessary to make babies, wait two weeks, take a pregnancy test, cry cry cry, have a period and then start over. Every month was a reminder of how my body had failed me, how I was unable to serve my purpose as a woman, and more than anything how my arms and womb were still empty.
This went on for months, though it felt like years. It seemed everyone around me was getting pregnant or having babies and my body would not cooperate. You are never so acutely aware of other's pregnancies until you are unable to have one. Not that I would ever begrudge another woman for that, I never want anyone to have to feel like me, it is just another reminder and it stings a little.
Finally, January 21, 2008 we were pregnant. This time was going to be different. My uterus was fixed. I was on the good drugs. I was under the close care of one of the leading fertility specialists in the nation. This was it. This is what we had been praying for all this time. We cried, walked on clouds and told everyone we knew, I think I even screamed when I told my choir. But before we could even settle in to the idea, it was over. January 30, the worst day of my life. We found out we would lose this baby and I lost my wonderful Aunt, Karla Dilbeck all in the same day. Maybe it is just a fantasy of mine, but I do believe that she holds the three I have sent ahead and although they are no substitute for her precious grandkids here on earth, I like to think that she is using all her great "Nannie-ing" skills until we meet them someday.
I hope you are still awake. This is where the story takes a happy turn.
Many years ago, before college and marriage and jobs. A young (much skinnier) couple spoke of the future. The girl shared a calling on her life to adopt. The boy said, "fine, after we have our own." But as you have read, that may never happen.
As long as I can remember I have felt that call. I hadn't shared it with many people because, well, it just wasn't relevant before now. And fortunately, God changed Ryland's heart and gave him confiramtion that we are following his will. So after we reluctantly let go of our third sweet baby, we began our journey to adopt.
We filled out an application with DHS, we approved FBI background checks of ourselves, we took physicals at the doctor, we got vaccination records for our puppies, we had a lovely home visit with Kari, our wonderful coordinator, and were approved to move on to the homestudy phase of adoption.
That brings me to today. Today we had our fingerprints done. As I watched a police officer fingerprinting my sweet, patient, everything I don't deserve husband, I thought, "This child that God will give us needs to know how far we were willing to go to get him/her. And more than that, that we l0ved it before we ever laid eyes on it."
We requested a 0-36 month old, no preference on sex or nationality. We just want someone to love. So friends and family, here is what we need from you. We need your prayers, desperately. We need your support. Ask us how things are going, don't be afraid to talk to us about any part of our ordeal. And yes, I might cry. But its only because God has softened my heart over time. I am more free to share my tears these days, so if you need to cry, call me, I'll do it with you!
Here are the specific prayer needs we have right now:
1) That our home study will be scheduled quickly and our contractor will be someone who is easy to work with and sensitive to us.
2) That our fingerprints will be processed quickly!
3)Pray for Kari, our coordinator, that God will bless her and her family and that she will have very efficient days at work.
4) More than anything, pray for our child, whose name we don't yet know. Pray that God will give us exactly what we need, and that we will be exactly what our child needs. Pray that God will prepare us for whatever and whoever lies ahead.
We start our parenting classes April 12-May10 and I am sure that as time goes by, we will have many other updates.
Glory to our God who gives and takes away, laughs at our plans, and never takes away good without giving us what is better.
We love you all and will never be able to thank you enough for your love and support.
-Mindy-
and a little Ryland
