4: A Letter to My Big Boy

My Sweet Isaac,

Someday, many years from now, you'll look back on your life. If you are like me, it will naturally divide itself into very distinct chapters.

Less Than 2 Weeks Old You.

My chapters look like this:

Chapter 1: My Childhood: Mullets, Music, and Magic
Chapter 2: And Then There Was Ryland....
Chapter 3: College, Marriage, and Teaching
Chapter 4: The Infertility Fog
Chapter 5: God Gave Me You
Chapter 6: Tunia, the One Month Whirlwind
Chapter 7: (TBA, In Progress, Under Construction)

Beautiful new you.

6 -Month-Old, Sitting-Up, You.

 

9-Month-Old, Crawling, You.

Chapter 6, your chapter started exactly 4 years ago. I spent a day in labor with you amazing Dad. We had waited for years and figuratively climbed deserts and swam oceans to get to that sweet day. Then you came. Angels danced and a waiting room full of praying family members rejoiced. Years of saddness melted away for me, and you were one of the greatest gifts in my life.

1st Birthday, Cupcake Face, You.

I cannot believe that I've taken 4 rides around the sun with you. I will treasure those sweet first weeks and months of your life where my joy was to sit and hold you and talk to you for hours. What a gift it was as I watched you roll, sit up, crawl, walk, run! The sweetest music was the first "momma" you spoke. As you discovered your first books, tastes of food, movies, and friendships, you brought me along and I got to experience the thrill of rediscovering them with you.

20-Month-Old, Halloween Costume, You.

And now you are spelling words, recognizing and writing letters, loving your friends, playing sports, and growing. Your love for God and tender heart for people is inspiring. You love bigger than anyone I've ever known.

2-Year-Old, Painfully Cute, You.

 

You are excited about everything. You enjoy everything and make the best out of every situation. Sometimes you ask deep questions, and understand things far beyond your years. You are a constant reminder of God's goodness, and not a day goes by that I am not thankful that God chose me (ME!) to be your Mom. No one deserves a child as wonderful as you, but I am glad for the opportunity.

2-and-a-half, Silly, You.

My prayer for you is that you will be brave, that you will love God more than anything, and that you will become more and more like God as you grow. I pray that your innocence will stick for a LOOONG time, that life won't make you jaded, that you won't worry about the small stuff. I hope you'll find a girl that loves you (almost as much as me) and that you'll love her and care for you just like your Dad does for me. Speaking of your Dad- you already love music and are a song-bird like him. You are sweet like him. And you have the cutest little tushkin just like him. (Go ahead, be embarrassed, someone has to preserve your history!)

3rd Birthday, First Friend Party, You.

Isaac, I love you more than you'll ever know. I love that you are the one that made a Mom out of me 4 years ago. I love that I am the receipient of all of the hugs, questions, and memories, that will form your Chapter 1. It is an honor that I take seriously, I hope I help you to write it well.

You. 2 Weeks Ago. Perfect.

I hope that someday that my Chapter 6 ends with "......and he changed the world." My big boy, no longer a baby, I believe you can.

Love , Momma

New Years Expectations

I bet she doesn't even realize what an impact this had on me.

My SIL, Jilian, is a pretty amazing lady. She was the top selling realtor in her company last year, is a mother of three, and is a crazy talented singer. And between this, she sometimes drops out helpful life tidbits that change people's lives.

She told me several lifetimes ago how she and her husband wrote new years expectations for their family that was much smaller then. I don't know if their family still does that. But as I thought it over, I think that an expectation for yourself is much more powerful than an easily broken resolution.

Last year my hubby and I did this and hung our carefully handwritten on notebook paper list in our closet where we'd each see it everyday. We set goals for ourselves, "us" goals, and goals for each of our kids. When we'd reach a goal, I'd write the month we achieved it and mark it off of the list. We marked most items off, but there were a few that we let slide.

When I write my expectations, my inner teacher comes out. I think back to all the time I was asked to write SMART goals as an educator. SMART goals are goals that are Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Time-bound. I tried to stick to this as I wrote my hopes for this year.

I don't feel that it's my place to share my hubby's goals but here is a (slightly) edited list of some of our goals for 2013. Again, this is not all- just a select few that don't open us up for as much judgement.

Here are some of mine:
1) Meal Plan a month at a time. January is hanging on my fridge as we speak. Check.
2) Blog once weekly, or roughly 52 times this year.
3) Run another 5K.
4) Memorize a new verse every month this year. I'm starting with Micah 6:8- "He has shown you, oh mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.

We:
1) Are really praying that this year will be the year we become totally debt free. All we lack is some (stupid) medical debt.
2) Want to vacation again this year. It was too wonderful last year, not to mention great for the ole marriage.
3) Want to go on at least 15 dates this year. Very ambitious.

Isaac:
1) Learn to recognize every letter of the alphabet and number. He knows some, but my teacher heart wants more!

Hope:
OK, I lied. I'm sharing one of Ry's.
1) He wants to take Hope on a planned, monthly Daddy date. How sweet is that? How lucky is Hope?

Again, these are a few of a list of roughly 28 goals. I'm hoping that we end the year with a list full of highlighted items. But I also know that God could always have bigger and better plans. I'm optimistic about 2013. I hope you are too.

Do you make any resolutions? Goals? Expectations? If so, what are they?

30 Days I'd Like to Re-Live

Please note that I didn't say 30 days I'd like to go back and change. The older that I become, the more I realize the fragile nature and unreliability of memory. And because of that, there are days I wish I could go back & visit- like watching a movie for a second time. You always see things in more detail the second time. And having lived so much life since these days my life experiences have made the memory of these days so much more precious. These are my choices. 

30. The day my brother was born. I was only 3 but I wonder what I thought and felt that day. 

29.The day I received the PLC scholarship at UCO. Life changer. 

28. Any day from my trip to Disney World. 

27. Any day where I used to be a size 6. 

26. Any Friday night I spent in the sidelines as a high-school cheerleader. 

25.The day I moved away from my parents. 

24. A day from one of my summers in Grove at my grandparents lake house. 

23. The first time Ryland kissed me. 

22. Any of the nights I spent in my grandparents' Barnsdall homeplaces.

21. My 16th birthday. 

20. A lazy summer day poolside with my family as a teenager. 

19.Any night where my babies were tiny enough to sleep all night on my chest. 

18.A day from my time as an RA working for my friend Steph. 

17.A day from Energy Camp where I met my Morgan. 

16.Any Miriam adventure from any decade. 

15.Any Falls Creek day from my teen years. 

14. The day Ryland proposed to me over a picnic at Birch Lake.

13.Any Christmas Eve/Day of my childhood. I am so homesick for the magic of those sweet days. 

12.The days that my kids said their first words and walked for the first time. 

11. Graduations- high school & college. 

10.The first time I saw the ocean in junior high. 

9.Any post-football game cruising session with Aubrey and Charity in the Merc. 

8. The first time I ever sang in church. It took so much courage. Still makes me a nervous wreck. 

7.The day after fall finals at college- any year. What feels better than Christmas break at home during college? 

6. My first day as a teacher in 2005. 

5.Any of the days of my honeymoon in Jamaica. 

4.The days I found out I was expecting my kids- June 13, 2008 and February 6, 2010. 

3.The days my children were born. 

2. My wedding day. 

1.  The day that Jesus became more than a story, he became mine. The most important day. I'm so thankful for this. It truly gives meaning & purpose to all the other days. I hope each of you have experienced this "day" in your life. 

What day would you like to re-live? 

I Agree, President Obama

I am not a "politics" girl.

I am admittedly way more uninformed than one should be.

I don't watch NBC, ABC, CNN, or FOX News. I'd rather watch Project Runway or anything on E.

I do not vote in every election.

I am not someone who places a great deal of faith in politicians. They gag me with their egos, agendas, lies, and schemes.

Also, I really like to stay away from inflammatory issues because there are many Christians who do not heed the "clanging gong" advice in the Bible and give non-believers more ammunition and reason to continue being non-believers.

The clanging-gongers tend to be very vocal, very quick to forward completely false information about their political opponent (without checking on snopes.com, for the LOVE!), and enjoy tearing apart anyone with a conflicting viewpoint.

President Obama was quoted recently as saying, "look, if you’ve been successful, you didn’t get there on your own. You didn’t get there on your own. I’m always struck by people who think, well, it must be because I was just so smart. There are a lot of smart people out there. It
must be because I worked harder than everybody else. Let me tell you something
-- there are a whole bunch of hardworking people out there. (Applause.)
If you were successful, somebody along the line gave you some help.
There was a great teacher somewhere in your life. Somebody helped to create
this unbelievable American system that we have that allowed you to thrive.
Somebody invested in roads and bridges. If you’ve got a business -- you didn’t
build that. Somebody else made that happen."

And people proceeded to flip out. Like crazy. People climbed up on soapboxes and pontificated on their hard work and achievements. And I have to say, I am with president Obama on this one.

I am always disgusted with entitlement. I am disgusted with the entitlement I see in students today, with people I encounter in the world, with church members, with members of my own family, and within my own heart.

There was a man long ago who worked hard, a self starter some would say. And God looked upon him with favor, blessed his endeavors. And then God allowed it to be taken away. You see- it all belonged to God in the first place. Everything that you and I possess belongs to God and He is kind enough to share it with you. And this man understood this. He was devastated obviously, but Job understood that it is the Lord who gives and takes away, and He blessed the name of God and was restored for his faithfulness, not because he was entitled and because God owed him anything.

I think about this. God allowed me to be born with some of the following advantages to success: female. white. American. middle class. in the 1980's. to married parents. protestant. healthy. developmentally, physically, and mentally normal. not handicapped. not deformed.

Because of some of these simple things, my life and my potential has been easier to improve and develop than someone who was born, say: Jewish. female. Polish. Learning disabled. Born in the 1930's. Not so easy to find safety and success when a crazed dictator wants to wipe out your whole ethnicity and use eugenics to eliminate you.

or: Black. Male. Albino. Tanzania. Present Day. It's probably hard to worry about building a business when you are worried that bounty hunters are going to hack you up and sell you to a witch doctor since your blood is believed to be magical.

perhaps: Female. Indian. Calcutta. Orphaned. with AIDS. Again, if you are sick and forced in to prostitution, I am guessing that a college education won't be a realistic goal for you.

Do you not see that God placed you where you are, with the parents you have, with the physically features, mental capacity, and able body you have. You did not choose that. And there is not a thing you did to make it so. Grace placed you where you were, and it was so.

I may scream if I see or hear another person complain about this quote. Everything you are and everything you have belongs to God. Praise Him and thank him everyday that He has been so generous to give it to you. God does not owe you 6 figures a year because you tithe. God does not owe you good health even if you work hard to stay healthy. God does not owe you safety just because you purchase a house in a gated community.

But because He loves you more than I can ever tell you He gives you grace, and mercy, and forgiveness, and gives you more "stuff" than you deserve. You are not self made. You are made int the likeness of a creator who wants to know you, and wants you to recognize that all you have is His, and when you give it back to Him, He'll bless you many times over, just like he did Job.

Entitlement is gross. And President Obama got this one right.

I will now resume my politics free life and avoid watching election coverage until December, when there will be a whole new crop of things for people to complain about and feel entitled to.

Thank You for Taking Care of Mary

During bedtime prayers last night I took a moment and prayed, as I often do, for Isaac's future wife and Hope's future husband- the people they will marry. When I pray with the kids I try to model a conversation with God, and use simple language. I prayed that God would take care of them and protect them until the appointed time.

I didn't really think he was listening because he was fake snoring in order for Ryland and I to kiss him and "wake" him up. He's three- I'm wordy. Sometimes his attention span doesn't last through my prayers and daddy's too.

Then it was Isaac's turn to pray. We had to kiss him awake, of course. He deviated from his regular script.

He said, "Dear-a Jesus, thank you for taking care of Mary, I thank you so much for my mom, my dad, my Hopey, and thank you for loving me. Amen."

His daddy and I were a little confused. I asked him who Mary was. My assumption was Mary, the mother of Jesus- I thought maybe they had talked about her in pre-school.

He said, "a girl, I'm going to marry her and take care of her."

My heart simultaneously bursted and melted. He was listening! And it's stinking adorable that he prayed for his wife. I hope that continues, even if he doesn't fully understand yet.

Then he told me, "Momma, you can sleep in my bed." So sweet, my heart exploded.

Between his silliness and Hope's giggles- I'm a goner.

Even after weeks of cranky sickness, fits, messes, constant chaos, surgeries and just plain HARD moments- I get these sweet little reminders of the gift of my children, and the sweet hope I have for their futures.

I'm a little bit of an over-planning, over-protective, over-analyzing, over-everything momma. I struggle daily, okay hourly, with placing them in God's hands. But the beauty of grace is that they are in his hands whether I choose to place them there or not. I wish it was easier for me to let go and rest in that fact.

As for now- I hope my heart can withstand all the bursting, melting, and exploding that my children cause. I am so grateful for this sweet pre-school season of life. The days are long but the years go fast. May I be conscious and soak it in.

A Moment Made to Worship

Last night as I listened to my hubby sing "How He Loves" in a d-now worship experience, I held my little purple tutu'd princess and sang along in the back of a crowded room. She played with my hair and played peek-a-boo through my scarf, rubbing her face against mine and giggling happily.

It may seem that it would be a distraction but it was quite the opposite. As I sang the words "Oh, how he loves us..." I just couldn't help feeling that powerful love right down to my soul. It was a moment made for worship. God had my heart.

My kids are a source of stress, mess, exhaustion, and frustration, but I can't look at them as anything but a gift from God. And in a moment like that one, worshipping my creator who gave me my little princess and my funny guy, I felt loved. And so very grateful that God loved me enough to give me two little pieces of messy, chaotic, happiness to love and mother. Oh, how He loves.