I have sat down about 3 times to try and write this post. And every time I have hated what I wrote. And I'm sure this time will be no different.
I think it's been so hard because I have been conflicted on how I feel to be honest.
I also think that sometimes the "coming of age", "milestone", "inevitable" life events that we all experience are just plain hard, and words don't always do justice to the facets of your heart.
My grandma moved today. She moved from her house on west Main Street in Barnsdall to a lovely unit in an independent living retirement community.
The house she lived in was her home for over 40 years. But more than that it is the place that is the backdrop to so many of the sweetest moments in my life: Christmas mornings, Easter egg hunts, fish fry's, sleep overs with my cousins, my sorely missed Grandpa and eternally beautiful aunt Karla, the place where I paraded around in my wedding gown after buying it, climbing the mimosa tree, sleeping in the camper, chocolate malts, walking to the grocery store to buy candy, my childhood.
Today my last tie to my hometown was severed. My parents moved to years ago but I still had Grandma's house as a reason to return. There are still many people there that I love dearly, but my family is no longer there.
My conflicted heart lies on the fact that I know my Grandma is in a wonderful place, but the sadness and the loss of the physical place hurts.
I know it is silly but I loved the smell of her house, and of Grandpa's shed where time stopped, where his tool belt still hangs. I loved being able to sit in the room where I last heard Aunt Karla's laugh. There was so much love, laughter, and life within those walls.
The house is a touchstone for what was.
But as I watched my octogenarian Grandma today, I was and am amazed. God has been quietly and peacefully leading her to her new home. A home where she can safely maintain every freedom she's always had, while experiencing new friends and a new lifestyle.
There is a central cafeteria she can eat at twice a day, there are organized social events several times a week, clubs to join, trips to take. Basically, Grandma has moved into the world's nicest college dorm! I was a dorm girl for three years. It was some of the most fun I've ever had. New friends, new experiences, new eye openers to the world. I remember at the ripe old age of 18 how I couldn't wait to see the world outside of my hometown. It occurred to me that my grandma has lived more than 8 DECADES in the same county. Yes, the same county.
And then my peace comes. With my gypsy blood, I'd never wish that many years of sameness on anyone. And it would be insanely selfish of me to want a lonely house there just so I can visit and have a few hours of nostalgia that will be forever locked in my heart anyways.
Some of the sweetest times in my relationship with God have been during the times where God has asked me to leave the familiar and safe in search of the unsure and new. My prayer is that my Grandma has more fun in this new home than she's had in years. I am praying sweet friendships, new hobbies, and a renewed sense of purpose for her there. Maybe even a boyfriend- who knows?
She smiled today. She doesn't know what the future holds. But she knows there is peace and safety there. (Proverbs 31, anyone?)
She is proof that you are never too old, too set in your ways, or too attached to start a new chapter in your life. She chose it and I am excited to see the blessings that God will pour on his sweet octogenarian daughter.
I am so blessed to see her legacy, and I pray I am worthy to carry it on.
