The tears are on edge even as I type.
In the next 4 days:
1) I have to say goodbye to all of Isaac's babysitters, who have been with him for the majority of his life.
2) I have to say goodbye to my students, my co-workers, and my administrators, at my school where I have spent the best/worst 4 years of my life.
3) I have to say goodbye to the first home I have ever owned.
All of this on pregnancy hormones......
To my son's caretakers- Alana, Laurie, Kylee, Emily, and sometimes Darlene, Tracy, Lindsey, and Jennifer: I couldn't drag myself away everyday if I thought Isaac wasn't in the best possible hands. I am praying God's richest of blessings on your lives. I will never be able to say thank you enough for pouring love into my little boy. God has used you in a special way to make him even more perfect than he already is. I love you all- you will always hold a special place in my heart. I am so thrilled that in 4 days, my main occupation is Isaac's Mommy- I work part time, and Isaac goes to work with me. I am so grateful for this huge answer to prayer. I can't wait.
Will Rogers- My hiding place, my shelter in some big storms, my celebration hub, my support. My principal, Dr. Sheron House has been so supportive in me becoming a mommy. She is a godly woman who believes in family first. She loves her teachers, she will do anything for her students. I am so glad to call her a friend and I have loved working for her. My team past and present- these amazing woman walked next to me day to day- through three pregnancy losses, deaths in the family, doctor's appointments, morning sickness, postpartum work return, pumping pumping pumping, and so much more. These girls have taken care of me in my best and worst, encouraged me, and made me laugh! I will miss them. My students- they remind me of what being a Christian is all about. There are kids that encourage you, kids that you get to watch grow, and kids that break your heart. FERPA (blah blah blah) won't let me share much, but I am blessed that I got to be in the lives of 100ish kids for a season of their lives, I pray that I get an opportunity to someday see what becomes of them. I hope they all choose the good in life and live far beyond their potential.
My house- My first BIG adult purchase, the place where my babies were conceived, the place where I have celebrated and nursed heartbreak, Isaac's first home. More than mortar and brick- a house of memories. It's hard to leave and not take my stuff. It unsettles my hormones to go and live in a place that isn't my home yet. I know God has perfect timing for selling our home. I am trying to be patient, but honestly, not doing so well. I will miss our quiet neighborhood and the sweet memories we've made here.
Pray for me. I am a crying mess.
Mindy
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Saturday, May 22, 2010
My HOPE has come true....
At the beginning of this year I chose the word "hope" as my one word resolution for the year. I never quite knew what amazing things would transpire as a result.
At the beginning of the year I prayed for several things:
1) That Ry would get a job back in music ministry
2) That I could stay home with Isaac
3) That maybe, just maybe, God would give us another baby
Did God show up or what?
I am not the mostly faithful, or devout, or holy person. I am in no way perfect. I do bad things, eat bad things, say bad words and worse sometimes. But I put my hope and faith in a holy, faithful, and perfect God who loves me so much that He would provide things that I am in no way worthy of. Like today.
I "met" my daughter, Hope Angeline Russell, on ultrasound for the first time. There is no way that I could have named her anything else. My hope in God, my hope that I COULD EVER have another child, my hope for our family's future culminated today when I was told that I was getting the daughter that I had hoped for the entire time. I can't wait to meet her in person, to hold her for the first time and to tell her the story of how she and her brother are miracles. I can't wait to see her wrap her daddy around her finger and play with her brother. God knew she is exactly what we need and even now He is perfecting her to fit in with the craziness of our lives.
Thank you God for today- I couldn't have HOPE'd for better. I can't wait for the chance to mother a daughter. I am truly blessed beyond my wildest of dreams.
Here is a link to Hope's ultrasound. I realize that it says "BABY NELSON" in the top left hand corner, the ultrasound tech apologized, but I assure you it is really our footage.
www.AnticipationBabyView.com/AUSTUL/Baby1005221326.asf
Love,
Mindy
Isaac and Hope's Over the Moon Mommy
At the beginning of the year I prayed for several things:
1) That Ry would get a job back in music ministry
2) That I could stay home with Isaac
3) That maybe, just maybe, God would give us another baby
Did God show up or what?
I am not the mostly faithful, or devout, or holy person. I am in no way perfect. I do bad things, eat bad things, say bad words and worse sometimes. But I put my hope and faith in a holy, faithful, and perfect God who loves me so much that He would provide things that I am in no way worthy of. Like today.
I "met" my daughter, Hope Angeline Russell, on ultrasound for the first time. There is no way that I could have named her anything else. My hope in God, my hope that I COULD EVER have another child, my hope for our family's future culminated today when I was told that I was getting the daughter that I had hoped for the entire time. I can't wait to meet her in person, to hold her for the first time and to tell her the story of how she and her brother are miracles. I can't wait to see her wrap her daddy around her finger and play with her brother. God knew she is exactly what we need and even now He is perfecting her to fit in with the craziness of our lives.
Thank you God for today- I couldn't have HOPE'd for better. I can't wait for the chance to mother a daughter. I am truly blessed beyond my wildest of dreams.
Here is a link to Hope's ultrasound. I realize that it says "BABY NELSON" in the top left hand corner, the ultrasound tech apologized, but I assure you it is really our footage.
www.AnticipationBabyView.com/AUSTUL/Baby1005221326.asf
Love,
Mindy
Isaac and Hope's Over the Moon Mommy
Monday, May 17, 2010
Blog Vomit
I am sooooo ready for summer. I am ready for rest, relaxation, sleeping in, and chilling out. I am ready to blog on a more regular basis and stay in my pj's until inappropriate times of the day.
I don't know why I do this to myself, but I wait until my head and heart are so full of things to say in a blog post that they just come busting out in a mega long post. So I apologize in advance to those of you suffer through my ramblings. This is just one of those times that I have a lot to say.
First, I am so excited, in 5 days, I will know the sex of my little Tator Tot who has so sweetly been hiding in my belly for the last 4 and a half months. People ask me what I want: boy or girl, son or daughter? And honestly, I fantasize being told both, and my reaction to either is sheer and absolute joy. When I think boy I think of Isaac having a baby brother, I think of tee ball games where they will play on the same team, brotherly wrestling matches and hijinks on their poor defenseless mother, I think of how I will remain the queen of the Russell castle for now. Then I think of a daughter, I think shopping trips, ruffles, bows, proms, chick flicks, and Barbie Dolls, I think of how much I LOVE my friendship with my Mom, and how I wouldn't mind Ryland having a "princess" sitting between him and his queen. More than anything, I think of how God blessed us at all with a second child. I don't deserve it. I wasn't worthy of the first child He gave me. But through God's mercy and compassion, He is blessing us again. I am so thankful. The "me" of three years ago ached for a baby, I was so broken by loss and heartache. Now more than ever I feel healed and perfected. My body is no longer my enemy, but a vessel for the miraculous. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away- blessed be His name.
Which brings me to the second part of my post. My heart is so broken right now. I have so many wonderful people in my life who are struggling so hard through seasons of infertility. I have two friends that suffered traumatic pregnancy losses, two who have had IVF and IUI fail them, one with a medical condition preventing pregnancy, several with PCOS who cannot conceive, and some that are still trying to even find a viable diagnosis as to why there is no child in their womb or their arms. I told one friend that infertility and pregnancy loss is like a sorority that you never wanted to be in. You get kicked around and hurt, but thankfully you are not alone, and there are so many out there just like you that are asking the same questions and going through the same trials. I hope that all of you know- even the ones of you that I have never met, that I don't see daily, or haven't seen in years- I am praying for you daily. I am praying that your Creator who made your body for a specific reason will reach down and heal all that is broken- body, mind, and spirit. I am praying for your peace and comfort from the Holy Spirit. I am praying that Jesus, who took on our flesh will walk beside you, grieve with you, and carry you when it all becomes too much. I am praying that God will guide you in how He wants to build your family. I am praying that you can let go of your desires and pray for yours to line up with His. There is a reason why. Stay the course, keep the faith. persevere. You are all amazing- I am joyfully anticipating the day that I will rejoice with each of you over all that God has done to provide exactly what you need.
Lastly, I have some prayer requests. My oldest and dearest friend has received the devastating news that her father has stage 4 cancer throughout his body. Please pray that God has the opportunity to love on their whole family during this time, and that God's voice will be heard above anything else. Also, our house in Guthrie is still on the market. We have not even had a showing in a month. The separation from Ryland has been hard. When we are together in Owasso we live in a furnished rent house. It is nice but it isn't our stuff and therefore, it doesn't feel like home. I constantly feel like someones guest and therefore I am never truly able to relax. We are ready to move on but this house makes us feel tied here. Please pray that God brings a buyer for our house. I am ready for it all to fall into place.
I will blog no more tonight. Thank you for sticking it out and reading to the end.
All My Love,
Mindy
Look for a "revealing" post on Saturday.
I don't know why I do this to myself, but I wait until my head and heart are so full of things to say in a blog post that they just come busting out in a mega long post. So I apologize in advance to those of you suffer through my ramblings. This is just one of those times that I have a lot to say.
First, I am so excited, in 5 days, I will know the sex of my little Tator Tot who has so sweetly been hiding in my belly for the last 4 and a half months. People ask me what I want: boy or girl, son or daughter? And honestly, I fantasize being told both, and my reaction to either is sheer and absolute joy. When I think boy I think of Isaac having a baby brother, I think of tee ball games where they will play on the same team, brotherly wrestling matches and hijinks on their poor defenseless mother, I think of how I will remain the queen of the Russell castle for now. Then I think of a daughter, I think shopping trips, ruffles, bows, proms, chick flicks, and Barbie Dolls, I think of how much I LOVE my friendship with my Mom, and how I wouldn't mind Ryland having a "princess" sitting between him and his queen. More than anything, I think of how God blessed us at all with a second child. I don't deserve it. I wasn't worthy of the first child He gave me. But through God's mercy and compassion, He is blessing us again. I am so thankful. The "me" of three years ago ached for a baby, I was so broken by loss and heartache. Now more than ever I feel healed and perfected. My body is no longer my enemy, but a vessel for the miraculous. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away- blessed be His name.
Which brings me to the second part of my post. My heart is so broken right now. I have so many wonderful people in my life who are struggling so hard through seasons of infertility. I have two friends that suffered traumatic pregnancy losses, two who have had IVF and IUI fail them, one with a medical condition preventing pregnancy, several with PCOS who cannot conceive, and some that are still trying to even find a viable diagnosis as to why there is no child in their womb or their arms. I told one friend that infertility and pregnancy loss is like a sorority that you never wanted to be in. You get kicked around and hurt, but thankfully you are not alone, and there are so many out there just like you that are asking the same questions and going through the same trials. I hope that all of you know- even the ones of you that I have never met, that I don't see daily, or haven't seen in years- I am praying for you daily. I am praying that your Creator who made your body for a specific reason will reach down and heal all that is broken- body, mind, and spirit. I am praying for your peace and comfort from the Holy Spirit. I am praying that Jesus, who took on our flesh will walk beside you, grieve with you, and carry you when it all becomes too much. I am praying that God will guide you in how He wants to build your family. I am praying that you can let go of your desires and pray for yours to line up with His. There is a reason why. Stay the course, keep the faith. persevere. You are all amazing- I am joyfully anticipating the day that I will rejoice with each of you over all that God has done to provide exactly what you need.
Lastly, I have some prayer requests. My oldest and dearest friend has received the devastating news that her father has stage 4 cancer throughout his body. Please pray that God has the opportunity to love on their whole family during this time, and that God's voice will be heard above anything else. Also, our house in Guthrie is still on the market. We have not even had a showing in a month. The separation from Ryland has been hard. When we are together in Owasso we live in a furnished rent house. It is nice but it isn't our stuff and therefore, it doesn't feel like home. I constantly feel like someones guest and therefore I am never truly able to relax. We are ready to move on but this house makes us feel tied here. Please pray that God brings a buyer for our house. I am ready for it all to fall into place.
I will blog no more tonight. Thank you for sticking it out and reading to the end.
All My Love,
Mindy
Look for a "revealing" post on Saturday.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
My 2nd Mother's Day
Bittersweet. Bittersweet. Bittersweet.
Mother's day is always a roller coaster of grief and complete joy for me. I can't think of how totally crazy in love I am with Isaac and Tator Tot without being a little heartbroken over my three gone-too-soon angels that could have been. I can't fully rejoice in my blessings without thinking of so many in my life that because of pregnancy loss or infertility are not able to celebrate motherhood YET.
As my pastor read from Proverbs 31 in church today, "her children arise and call her blessed", I hope and pray that my children always fully know and understand that through them I am more blessed than I ever imagined. Yes, Isaac poops his pants a lot, cries at inconvenient times, and is sometimes downright naughty. Yes, Tator Tot makes me throw up, hurts my hips, and makes me swell like a balloon. But I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. As my Sunday school teacher so beautifully stated today, " there is nothing more precious than being able to carry a baby inside of your body and experience those first moments of life, and I'm sorry that a man will never have that." There are definitely some big drawbacks to being a woman, but pregnancy, labor, birth, stretch marks, nursing, late nights, poopy diapers, colic, vomit,loss of bladder control, are battle marks that remind you of the precious gift that God gave you even if you don't deserve it.
To my kids- Thank you for making my life more full and beautiful than I will ever be able to describe to you. You were so wanted. You are immensely loved. I pray that your life is full of blessings. And more than good health, a good education, or an amazing spouse ( all of which I want for you!) I pray that you know the God who made you perfectly in His image. I'm not a perfect Mommy, but I promise to always do my best to find God's will for you and help you achieve it.
Isaac- Slow down the growing. You are walking, talking, learning, and laughing. I have had joy in my life, but you have made it fuller, brighter, and more complete. You are so special. Everyday I think I couldn't possibly love you any more than I do, then tomorrow comes and I do.
Tator Tot- In only 13 days you will have your name. Hope Angeline Russell or Ayden Lane Russell. You couldn't have possibly come during a more inconvenient time in our lives, but I have not been anything but overjoyed! You are the second miracle that God has given me and I am so excited to see your story unfold. I rejoice at the thought that you will never know what it feels like to have your Mommy work a whole work week. For a season and maybe forever you will be my "baby". Even though I don't know where you will live when you come home from the hospital, you will live in a house with a Mommy, Daddy, and brother who love you so much.
Ry- Thank you everyday for making me a Mommy. Thank you for the shoulder to cry on during the sad years, braving morning sickness and pregnancy insanity with patience and love, and for letting me sleep when it all gets tiresome. Thank you for passing your beautiful smile and handsome genes on to our son. Thank you for being mine. I can't IMAGINE doing this with anyone else. I am enjoying the journey. And someday when it's just us again, I know I am going to still be just as madly in love with you as I am right now.
My Momma- I hope your card said it all today. I love you. Thank you for feeling the way about me that I feel about my kids. I never understood mommy love before, but I do now.
To all of you who are dealing with miscarriage, infertility, or the call to adopt- I ran across a website that I thought might encourage you. I believe that God's word is powerful and alive. I hope this will strengthen your heart in what is no doubt the most discouragingly heartbreaking season of your life. Happy Mother's Day in advance- your day WILL come.
Here is an excerpt from Hannah's Prayer Ministries, an online support for infertility and adoption:
1) Many Christians like to claim, "Every promise in the Book (Bible) is mine." However, not all of the promises of the Bible are to be claimed and practiced by Christian believers. Before you stop reading, please consider the following:
* Many of the promises of the Old Testament are for the nation of Israel before Jesus Christ came to earth.
* Many of these Old Testament promises were given to Israel as a nation at that time, and were never promised to individuals, then or now.
* Many statements, especially in the Old Testament, that are claimed as promises by some Christians, were never given by God as promises, but only as a general statement or principle for living.
* Some of the promises of the Bible are to Satan and his followers concerning their doom. God never intended for Christians to claim these personally!
2) In Genesis 18, Sarah, Abraham's wife, laughed when God told Abraham they would have a baby in a year. It was not Sarah's faith, but God's working in spite of her lack of faith that produced the child, Isaac.
3) In Luke 1:6-7, Zechariah and Elizabeth, the parents of John the Baptist, were "upright in the sight of God. But they had no children because Elizabeth was barren." Notice that there was no particular sin in the life of either Zechariah or Elizabeth that was the cause of their childlessness. God kept Elizabeth childless until the proper time on His calendar. Notice also that when Elizabeth did finally conceive, she said the Lord had removed her shame "in the sight of PEOPLE" (Luke 1:25), not "in the sight of God."
4) Even Jesus, the night before His death, asked God to "take away the cup" of the crucifixion. The Father did not spare His Son the pain of the cross, and we have salvation today because of Christ's suffering and the resurrection. God's will is always more important than our own desires (see Matthew 26:39 and 42, Mark 14:35, and Luke 2:42).
5) Job was a righteous man. Even God said so! Yet God allowed Satan to take all of Job's physical blessings: health, wealth, prosperity, and all of his children. Job's suffering brought glory to God alone (see the book of Job).
6) The Apostle Paul, the human author of most of our New Testament books, had a physical problem of some kind. He repeatedly asked God to take this problem away. God's reply was, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:7-10).
7) In the book of Hebrews, the entire second half of the very "faith" chapter itself is devoted to those who did NOT receive promises on earth, yet trusted God anyway (Hebrews 11:36-39). They are held up as examples of faith for us to follow rather than as failure stories.
God's character is that of a Father who delights in giving good gifts to His children (Matthew 7:9-11; James 1:17), thus our hope is sustained when all seems grim. With such a loving Lord we can live in peace, knowing that His plans have our eternal best at heart (Jeremiah 29:11; Romans 8:28). God does say that our heart's desires will be fulfilled when we seek after Him (see Psalm 37:4), but truly seeking after Him requires allowing Him to change our human desires to align with His holy will for each of our lives. It is the view of Hannah's Prayer leadership that God does not promise pregnancy or a baby to every Christian walking in His ways. However, He does promise that He will direct our ways when we trust in Him (Proverbs 3:5-6) and that His grace will be sufficient for the times of trial.
If you would, please pray for our house to sell- I am ready to move back in with my hubby!!!
Mother's day is always a roller coaster of grief and complete joy for me. I can't think of how totally crazy in love I am with Isaac and Tator Tot without being a little heartbroken over my three gone-too-soon angels that could have been. I can't fully rejoice in my blessings without thinking of so many in my life that because of pregnancy loss or infertility are not able to celebrate motherhood YET.
As my pastor read from Proverbs 31 in church today, "her children arise and call her blessed", I hope and pray that my children always fully know and understand that through them I am more blessed than I ever imagined. Yes, Isaac poops his pants a lot, cries at inconvenient times, and is sometimes downright naughty. Yes, Tator Tot makes me throw up, hurts my hips, and makes me swell like a balloon. But I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. As my Sunday school teacher so beautifully stated today, " there is nothing more precious than being able to carry a baby inside of your body and experience those first moments of life, and I'm sorry that a man will never have that." There are definitely some big drawbacks to being a woman, but pregnancy, labor, birth, stretch marks, nursing, late nights, poopy diapers, colic, vomit,loss of bladder control, are battle marks that remind you of the precious gift that God gave you even if you don't deserve it.
To my kids- Thank you for making my life more full and beautiful than I will ever be able to describe to you. You were so wanted. You are immensely loved. I pray that your life is full of blessings. And more than good health, a good education, or an amazing spouse ( all of which I want for you!) I pray that you know the God who made you perfectly in His image. I'm not a perfect Mommy, but I promise to always do my best to find God's will for you and help you achieve it.
Isaac- Slow down the growing. You are walking, talking, learning, and laughing. I have had joy in my life, but you have made it fuller, brighter, and more complete. You are so special. Everyday I think I couldn't possibly love you any more than I do, then tomorrow comes and I do.
Tator Tot- In only 13 days you will have your name. Hope Angeline Russell or Ayden Lane Russell. You couldn't have possibly come during a more inconvenient time in our lives, but I have not been anything but overjoyed! You are the second miracle that God has given me and I am so excited to see your story unfold. I rejoice at the thought that you will never know what it feels like to have your Mommy work a whole work week. For a season and maybe forever you will be my "baby". Even though I don't know where you will live when you come home from the hospital, you will live in a house with a Mommy, Daddy, and brother who love you so much.
Ry- Thank you everyday for making me a Mommy. Thank you for the shoulder to cry on during the sad years, braving morning sickness and pregnancy insanity with patience and love, and for letting me sleep when it all gets tiresome. Thank you for passing your beautiful smile and handsome genes on to our son. Thank you for being mine. I can't IMAGINE doing this with anyone else. I am enjoying the journey. And someday when it's just us again, I know I am going to still be just as madly in love with you as I am right now.
My Momma- I hope your card said it all today. I love you. Thank you for feeling the way about me that I feel about my kids. I never understood mommy love before, but I do now.
To all of you who are dealing with miscarriage, infertility, or the call to adopt- I ran across a website that I thought might encourage you. I believe that God's word is powerful and alive. I hope this will strengthen your heart in what is no doubt the most discouragingly heartbreaking season of your life. Happy Mother's Day in advance- your day WILL come.
Here is an excerpt from Hannah's Prayer Ministries, an online support for infertility and adoption:
1) Many Christians like to claim, "Every promise in the Book (Bible) is mine." However, not all of the promises of the Bible are to be claimed and practiced by Christian believers. Before you stop reading, please consider the following:
* Many of the promises of the Old Testament are for the nation of Israel before Jesus Christ came to earth.
* Many of these Old Testament promises were given to Israel as a nation at that time, and were never promised to individuals, then or now.
* Many statements, especially in the Old Testament, that are claimed as promises by some Christians, were never given by God as promises, but only as a general statement or principle for living.
* Some of the promises of the Bible are to Satan and his followers concerning their doom. God never intended for Christians to claim these personally!
2) In Genesis 18, Sarah, Abraham's wife, laughed when God told Abraham they would have a baby in a year. It was not Sarah's faith, but God's working in spite of her lack of faith that produced the child, Isaac.
3) In Luke 1:6-7, Zechariah and Elizabeth, the parents of John the Baptist, were "upright in the sight of God. But they had no children because Elizabeth was barren." Notice that there was no particular sin in the life of either Zechariah or Elizabeth that was the cause of their childlessness. God kept Elizabeth childless until the proper time on His calendar. Notice also that when Elizabeth did finally conceive, she said the Lord had removed her shame "in the sight of PEOPLE" (Luke 1:25), not "in the sight of God."
4) Even Jesus, the night before His death, asked God to "take away the cup" of the crucifixion. The Father did not spare His Son the pain of the cross, and we have salvation today because of Christ's suffering and the resurrection. God's will is always more important than our own desires (see Matthew 26:39 and 42, Mark 14:35, and Luke 2:42).
5) Job was a righteous man. Even God said so! Yet God allowed Satan to take all of Job's physical blessings: health, wealth, prosperity, and all of his children. Job's suffering brought glory to God alone (see the book of Job).
6) The Apostle Paul, the human author of most of our New Testament books, had a physical problem of some kind. He repeatedly asked God to take this problem away. God's reply was, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:7-10).
7) In the book of Hebrews, the entire second half of the very "faith" chapter itself is devoted to those who did NOT receive promises on earth, yet trusted God anyway (Hebrews 11:36-39). They are held up as examples of faith for us to follow rather than as failure stories.
God's character is that of a Father who delights in giving good gifts to His children (Matthew 7:9-11; James 1:17), thus our hope is sustained when all seems grim. With such a loving Lord we can live in peace, knowing that His plans have our eternal best at heart (Jeremiah 29:11; Romans 8:28). God does say that our heart's desires will be fulfilled when we seek after Him (see Psalm 37:4), but truly seeking after Him requires allowing Him to change our human desires to align with His holy will for each of our lives. It is the view of Hannah's Prayer leadership that God does not promise pregnancy or a baby to every Christian walking in His ways. However, He does promise that He will direct our ways when we trust in Him (Proverbs 3:5-6) and that His grace will be sufficient for the times of trial.
If you would, please pray for our house to sell- I am ready to move back in with my hubby!!!
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