Update- Tad, Gurt and Morgan's Family

Good news! I have officially passed the 8 week mark. I have made it farther than in any other pregnancy. Bad News! I am sick as a dog. I throw up basically every day and my "morning sickness" , that is a lie if ever I have heard one. I am nauseated ALL DAY LONG! I am happy to feel bad though if it means that Tad is healthy and in February I get to hold him. Please pray that I am one of the lucky few whose morning sickness ends at 12 weeks. Maybe if enough of you are asking God for that He will be merciful on me. For the record He is and has always been merciful to me and I will be sick for as long as He needs me to. It just seems odd that I am losing weight. I thought a pregnancy was all about "blossoming".

If I didn't make it clear, Tad is doing great after our scare last week. The bleeding and cramping stopped the same day and all is well for now. I want to say a huge thank you for all who so fervently prayed for my little tadpole. God is teaching me so much about giving things to him. I have to give Tad to Him everyday, or else I would worry all the time. I am so thankful that there are so many of you lifting my pregnancy up in prayer. Regardless of what happens next, I know that I have so much support from all of you.

Gurt News- Ryland and I are being signed up for prospective adoptive kids this week. Please pray that God guides Maggie, our caseworker, to the names that God would match us up with. We have to trust in her that she knows who we fit with. And we hope that God reveals that clearly to us when the time comes. We will be recieving a list next week that has non-identifying information about the children that we have been signed up for and from there we can accept or reject the choices that have been made for us. Pray that we are sensitive to the spirit and guided in the right direction.

Ryland and I are going to Branson on Saturday to spend some much needed lake time with his mother's family, the Bushes. We are also going to witness the wedding of his Dad's mother, MAry Russell to her sweetheart, Tom Rose. We are looking forward to getting to love on the whole family and enjoy time with them. Please pray that I am a good traveler. I had a very tough time on the road today to and from Carnegie, only and two and a half hour trip as opposed to the six hour drive on Saturday. Please pray that God will give me comfort in our commute. I am nervous about that and really having trouble feeling good during the day. I want to enjoy Silver Dollar City and Boat Rides rather than having to miss out.

I attended Landon's memorial service today. That family is hurting so much right now. It breaks my heart for my friend, Morgan. There are going to be so many hard days ahead. But I was reminded today that at the end of everything these three things remain: faith, hope and love. Faith that Landon had in Jesus Christ- he is in the presence of his creator at this moment. What a blessing. Hope for a bright tomorrow- God has a plan for everything and though it will be hard, hope that God has good things in store for this family. And love, my favorite. I have never experienced a loss of that magnitude, but I know that time and distance and even death don't hamper love. It is truly eternal. I hope that Morgan's family can cling to that love that will always remain. Please keep this sweet family in your prayers. Ask God to increase their faith, hope, and love in Christ.

Thank you so much all of you sweet prayer warriors. Your support and encouragement means more to me and Ry than you will ever know. Please keep my pushy prayer requests in mind. I love you all so much.

Mindy

P.S.- According to my baby development books, Tad lost his tail this week! He is staring to look less like a blob of goo and more like a baby! Praise the Lord!

A Little Scare

Today has been a yucky day. I have been muy sick and Ryland was at Falls Creek. I woke up this morning feeling decent, I went to the bathroom to find that I had started spotting. As you know, I have started spotting before only to lose all three previous pregnancies. So I flipped out, calmed down and called my doctor, then Ryland.

Ryland was offered a vehicle by a sweet friend from church. He headed home immediately. My Mom has been staying with me and she took me to see Dr. K. I got there and headed for the ultrasound room. Again, terror stricken. 1 good one out of 20something bad ones does not make for good odds. Dr. K began and I was ready again for bad news. But none to be had today. Tad is growing and had a perfect heartbeat, good speed and everything. Dr. K's nurse told me it must be a little boy being onery and trying to scare me.

I went into the waiting room where my Mom was waiting. I told her things were fine. She was shocked and we had a good cry right there. We met Ryland at the elevator and I told him that things are fine for right now. He is going to stay home with me tonight and tomorrow before he decides whether or not to head back to Falls Creek.

My bleeding has stopped for now but I am still crampy and that scares me. Please pray that God will sustain this pregnancy. But more than anything pray for his will to be done and for me and Ryland to accept that regardless. Pray also for the bleeding and cramping to stop. We are leaving Tad in his hands. All we can do is pray and wait. But we choose to put our hope in Tad's creator and life sustainer.

Love you all.

Mindy

Funny Little Jaisa

Jaisa, my 2 year old niece has stayed with us the past two nights. I showed her Tad's picture and said, "Do you know what this is?" She smiled really big and said, "Frog!". I guess I was right about calling him Tad...

The plot thickens.....

I don't quite know where to start this post. For one thing, I never thought I'd be posting this. At least, not right now anyways. It is so funny to me that the title of our blog is "we told God our plans and he's been laughing ever since". I had no idea how true that would come to be in our lives. So here we go again.

About two weeks ago I started feeling sick at my stomach. Nothing made it feel better. Everything tasted bad and I had no appetite. (Which is a BIG deal for those who know me well.) I thought that maybe it would eventually go away. It didn't. Last week I was sitting on the couch and it occurred to me that I wasn't sure when my last period was. You see, since we lost baby #3 I kind of swore off all of my obsessive charting, counting and temperature taking. I was ready to let it all go. After all, my sweet Gurt began to become reality. God had called us to adopt, no doubt, and I trusted Him for provision there. I think you can see where I'm going.

I got sick of feeling bad last week. I told Ryland that I thought I had an ulcer or acid reflux because I just couldn't get over feeling sick. Last Friday night we drove to Walgreen's and bought a pregnancy test. I wanted to confirm that I wasn't pregnant so that when I called a doctor to go in for my "ulcer" that there wasn't something else going on. I knew it was going to be negative. I just wanted peace of mind. Guess what. It wasn't! It was a BIG FAT POSITIVE!

I lost it. I cried until I thought I was empty and then I cried some more. Not because I was happy but out of sheer and utter terror. I didn't know when my last period was, I hadn't been taking vitamins, I had taken some medicines and other things, I was panicked! We've been down the road of getting really excited only to have the world crash in on us. But after I regained some composure I told God what I am going to tell him everyday. " I am putting this baby in your hands. It is NOT mine. It is yours and will remain yours whether I meet it in heaven or on earth. I am giving it to you."

I am still scared. I don't know how it will turn out. It could all be over tomorrow. But I have no control over it. Just like I had no control over the life that God so beautifully placed in my body. But I am choosing to rejoice over every pang of nausea and every stretch and pull that I feel in my abdomen. Because God put life there. And He did it all for His glory.

I went in on Monday and had bloodwork done to check for pregnancy and make sure all of my hormone levels are where they need to be. The nurse called me back that afternoon and told me I was "very" pregnant. My hcg level was 62,283 - the highest it has measured in any of my pregnancies. The one I carried the longest was only in the 15,000s. A good sign I should think. My progesterone levels were a little low so I am using a progesterone gel to help my body out. I still had no idea how far along I was though.

I went in today for an ultrasound. D-Day. In the 20something ultrasounds I have had, I have never had a good one. I never once have received good news. I was trying to be ready to receive the worst. I cried in the car on the way there. I cried in the room waiting for the doctor. Dr. K came in and we started. Then we saw it- the most beautiful blob of goo I have ever seen. And Dr. K said, "Look at it's heart, it's beating all over the place." We saw our baby. We saw its heart. Placed there by God for our viewing pleasure. I cried and cried. And even if it is over tomorrow, I will count it as one of the happiest minutes of my life. He told us that I am 6 weeks and 4 days pregnant. Halfway through the first trimester. Our tentative due date is February 8. Two days after Ryland's birthday.

Because you know how I am about referring to a child as "the child or the baby" this little tadpole is going to be known as "Tad" on my blogs from here on out. Tad is making his/her debut today.

I know that you are probably wondering, what about Gurt? Well we feel that Tad is a child conceived out of our obedience to God's call to adopt on our life. God has confirmed through scripture, prayer and other people that now is the time for us to adopt. We see no reason to think that God has changed his mind. Our circumstances, yes. It may not have been how we would have planned it. But God knows what he is doing. His plan is perfect and it all just got a little more complicated.

Prayer Focus:

1) All praise be to the God who is full of surprises and laugh at our plans as He takes them and perfects them.

2) Pray for me and my body. Pray that this pregnancy will be perfect and complete. That my body will have all of the progesterone and nutrients that it needs. Pray for Tad. Pray for a strong heart and that God will knit all of his inmost parts together in the secret place.

3) Pray for Gurt, the baby growing in my heart. That God will bless him and keep him safe. Pray that God guides our every footstep as we find him.

I love you all so much and I have included Tad's first baby picture. I know I am biased but Tad is the most perfect and gorgeous ball of goo that I have ever seen. The dark spot in the middle is Tad and the arrow is pointing to his little heart. I am in love and I hope we get to meet Tad someday.

Mindy

Gurt's Shopping Trip

I heard from our caseworker yesterday. In a week or so we should be getting our first list of available children. We are so excited to go through and see what and who is available. I know I am very demanding on your prayer lives and I cannot tell you how much we appreciate it, but again, I am going to ask that you pray specifically that God guides our eyes and our hearts to the names on that list that has has chosen for us. We see more and more with each passing day that God has his hand in all of this and we are amazed by how perfect and unexpected his plan is for us.





I went yesterday and bought Gurt's furniture for the baby room. I bought a crib, changing table, dresser and mattress. The crib is a convertible crib so it could also be a big boy/girl bed should Gurt be a non-baby. It is cherry wood and I think it will be beautiful. We will start putting it together soon and hopefully our marriage will be able to survive another project of that magnitude. I am going to try and post a picture but that may have to wait until my husband (the techno weenie as our pastor calls him) comes home.



Hey, it looks good from here. We'll see if it ends up posted correctly. This is the set we bought except the wood is cherry. That is me and Gurt in the picture being happy that Ryland put all of it together for us.

I have a very special shout-out to add. My cousin Danna Jo Brown just got engaged to her long-time boyfriend Jim Shaw last week. I am so happy for the two of you and I hope marriage is as fun for you as it has been for me and Ryland. There is something sublimely wonderful about having someone that loves you enough to deal with all of your craziness and still wants to be with you at the end of the day. (Not that the two of you are crazy, I can only speak for myself.) Congratulations. I am so happy for both of you. I'll be praying for you both as you get ready for the adventure that is marriage.

I love you all. Please keep Gurt's health and safety in your prayers as well as our caseworker, Maggie.

Ry, Happy 3rd anniversary tomorrow. It just keeps getting sweeter. I love you like a fat kid loves cake.

Mindy

Things I Forgot In My Last Post

Not only was my last post full of annoying spelling and grammatical errors (my perfectionism problem rears its ugly head) it was also incomplete. That is what happens when you wait too long. Stuff builds up and you forget.

A DREAM: Please don't think I am insane or that I am trying to give myslef credit for anything that I am about to say. But there have been some dreams in my life that I feel have maybe been prophetic. That is a scary word to use, maybe symbolic is better. Yes, let's go with symbolic. Each time that I miscarried, I dreamed of our babies. Each dream had some similar qualities. In each dream I was able to hold each baby. I feel this was God's way of showing mercy and giving me an opportunity to see and hold the life that wasn't meant for this world. In each dream the baby was very tiny. Too tiny to be normal or healthy, but fine in my dream nonetheless. Again, I am not an interpreter but I think this is symbolic of the child never reaching the moment of birth when creation in the womb is complete. It would be natural for the baby to be small. And in each dream I was never at home with the baby. My home was never meant to be the home for those precious souls. Getting Gurt brings a whole new appreciation for the home in glory that my first three get to experience. They will never experience pain, hunger, abuse or neglect. They will never for a moment wonder if someone loves them. Gurt will most likely experience one or all of these things. But the great thing about being Gurt's Mom is that I get to spend my life making sure that no matter what happened or what will happen on this side of heaven, that Gurt can end where my other three started- in the presence of our creator. Back to the dreams - the only differnce in the dreams was the sex of the babies - a boy, a girl, and a boy respectively. I don't want to imply that this would have been what would have come. But maybe so. In all three cases I dreamed these things very soon before I began to miscarry.

Until recently I had never dreamed on someone else's behalf. Sure I dream about other people a lot. That is normal and is usually just nonsense. But before I go into the dream , let me give you a little background. I have been playing BUNKO for the last several months with a group of super fun ladies at my church. They are absolutely hilarious and always make me feel encouraged when I leave. We were playing April BUNKO at my friend Lisa's house. (HI Lisa!) I was sitting with another group member and I was talking about the adoption and giving an update. I am going to just call her "A" because I don't know if she would want her name on my blog and I respect her right to keep a pregnancy quiet in the first months. "A" said that she may be interested in adoption. She has a 2 year old but had her first miscarriage last October. As we talked I saw the pain in her eyes that only someone else in that situation knows. It overwhelms me sometimes how insensitive people can be in trying to tell you how they relate. Not to be rude, but if you haven't experienced it- you don't get it. It makes a person feel worse when you say "you'll be able to get pregnant, it was meant to be this way, I know how you feel, well my friend mom aunt sister_______ and now she has a baby". Please remember two things. 1) You don't know how they feel. Your intentions may be wonderful, but every situation is different. Be kind and quiet. Just listen. Let them talk. 2) If you haven't been through it don't tell other people's stories. I know it is with good intentions. But for someone like me who may never be able to have a pregnancy hearing "and now she has three kids" just hurts. It gives false hope. God's plan may be different for that person. His plan is to use that person and that struggle for his glory. Don't say "you'll get pregnant soon" even though you feel it is meant to be encouraging. Instead say, "I will pray that God takes care of you and gives you exactly what you need." Oh Lordy, I am chasing rabbits today. Can you tell I have had my feelings hurt by well meaning people a time or two. I harbor no hard feelings. It just breaks my heart for other Moms who have lost and then have to endure the nice things people try to say that really aren't so nice!

Back to "A". She told me of her loss. We cried together and I told her I would pray for her. About three weeks later I dreamed about "A" and I dreamed she was pregnant. I remembered it very vividly. She was pregnant with a boy. I even woke up and told Ryland about it. He didn't know "A" very well so he blew me off. I saw "A" that Friday at a Sunday school party and told her about the dream. She laughed and said hopefully someday, we are trying. I saw "A" Monday at BUNKO and she said, "Do you always have prophetic dreams?" I told her that I had a few that I thought were "symbolic" but not really. "A" proceeded to tell me that my comment at the party prompted her to buy a pregnancy test and that it was positive. She was pregnant. That weirded me out. But I am so thrilled for her. And hopefully my dream will be a fun story for her baby to hear someday. But on a related note, my friend Alanna told me in the bathroon at church that she dreamed that I had a little boy named Allen. Not my first choice for a name. But I will be freaked out if Gurt's name happens to be Allen. I believe in dreams.

The Chapmans: I know that K-LOVE has talked about Steven Curtis and Mary Beth Chapman until it is old. They lost their five year old adopted daughter, Maria, when their son ran her over in the family car. It was beyond tragic. It is a sad story to anyone but personally sad for me. I remember that after one of his concerts I felt my calling to adopt so strongly. They devoted their lives to helping couples afford adoption overseas. The song I have on this blog "When Love Takes You In" was inspired by the adoption of one of his daughters. God used his music and his family to confirm the calling to adopt in my life. I will never forget the video he showed at his concert. It was the moment that they handed his daughter Shohannah to his wife. His wife couldn't say a word. All she could do was just to cry and cry. It was a moment that I was envious of. It was a moment that I am looking forward to with so much joy. Pleae pray for this family. Pray that grief makes them stronger and more resolute in helping the orphans of this world to find forever families.

I feel like I forgot something but it is summer. If I forget I will write it tomorrow.

Prayer Focus:
1) My little Gurty. Pray that he is safe, healthy and happy. Pray that our time together is coming close. I am ready to hold my baby.
2) Pray for Maggie, our caseworker. Pray that God helps her to remember us and to be effiecient in her work.

I Love you all. I'll be calling you if you end up in my dreams!

Mindy

The End, The Beginning and Everything In Between

It has been nearly a month since I have updated. There have been many things happen in the meantime. I honestly though it had been more like two weeks. Time is seeming to fly by so quickly these days.

First (and possibly best) I was able to end my school year. I hugged my 22 babies goodbye and sent them on to fourth grade. This was without a doubt the most difficult and trying class of my career. I had issue upon issue realted to behavior, learning and just straight up mental illness. I think this class was a turning point for me as a teacher. I would NEVER want to re-live this year but I think this is the year where I learned to meet the needs of every child and do it the right way. I also think I had this class as means to prepare me for our sweet Gurt. Gurt is going to come with issues and baggage. But I think that after this class I feel empowered to tackle whatever may come. I also saw examples of good and bad parenting this year. There are parents who are unwilling to admit their child's imperfections. And just so all of you parents out there know: ALL CHILDREN HAVE THEM!!! YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON BECAUSE YOUR KID HAS A FLAW! All that this does is hurt the child. It enables the child to say, " well, I'm hyper today. I have ADD so I am going to choose not to work today." No no no, I say. We ALL deal with something. It may be a headache, it may be grief over the loss of a baby, it may be anything, but you do your job and move on. No loafing. I also saw parents who say, "I know there is a problem. I am going to educate myself on the learning disorder, the disease, or the behavioral problem. I am going to do whatever it takes whether it means going to a doctor, counselor or pastor, whether it means giving up free time, or whether it means giving drugs." I want to be that parent. The one who is realistic. The one who hopes for the best but is willing to put pride aside and deal with what God gives me. Enough of my rant.

One more side note about school: On the last day my students were sitting in a circle and I asked them all to share what they are doing this summer. I got the typical answers. "I'm going fishing. I'm going to Texas. We are taking a cruise." One little girl asked me what I was doing this summer. I thought that it was safe to tell so I said, " I am doing some redecorating at my house this summer. I have to get a crib and a high chair and stuff like that." After some confused looks S.E. (because FERPA doesn't allow me to use names) said, "Mrs. Russell, are you haveing a baby!?!?!?!?!?" I laughed and explained that I was adopting. They were so excited. It was precious. I got the typical 20 questions: Are you adopting from China? Boy or girl? How old? What color? What if it has problems?..... After I had satisfied their questions. This group of eight year olds began to give me parenting advice. " You need to get a girl because girls are smarter than boys." "You need a boy because they can lift heavy stuff." " Boys don't wear dresses and bows, girls are too expensive." " Be careful when you change a boys diaper, sometimes they pee on you." " Girls cry too much." "Boys pee in the shower." (I didn't know this one) They made me promise to bring Gurt to school so that they could meet him. Which I will after I hose the children down with hand sanitizer. They are little germ bags.

Happy news! On Tuesday, May 20 we finished our DHS parenting classes, and on Thursday, May 22, Ryland and I signed our homestudy. We are officially FINISHED!!! We are waiting on a phone call. I am content in knowing that Gurt will come to us in God's perfect timing. Whether it is a month or a year we are thrilled and ready for Gurt to get here. It is insane how quickly four months have passed and we have worked so hard to make sure all things are in order. I hope the next months go quickly and soon Gurt's identity is revealed to us.

Our pastor preached on Hannah this morning and her battle with infertility. It still hurts and there are still moments when the grief still feels so raw. It has been the biggest loss of my life. But God delivered Hannah and gave her Samuel. God blesses Hannah and although she waited for years and was driven to despair by heartbreak, God brought her through that Samuel was something special because of her devotion. I relate to Hannah painfully well. But for the first time in so long, I feel God healing my heart. Even if my deliverance doesn't come in the form of a biological child, God is allowing me that chance to be a mother to Gurt. I will give Gurt to God and there will not be a more grateful mommy out there.

For now I must go. We have a home bible study called, "Men are like Waffles and Women are like Spaghetti." I do love spaghetti.

Prayer Focus:
1) Maggie our caseworker. Pray that God directs her to our Gurt and gets us together.
2) Pray that God lets us have fun together and rest during the summer months.
3) Pray for Gurt. Pray that God keeps him, safe, healthy and happy.

Love you all. I will try to be a better blogger.

Mindy