Not only was my last post full of annoying spelling and grammatical errors (my perfectionism problem rears its ugly head) it was also incomplete. That is what happens when you wait too long. Stuff builds up and you forget.
A DREAM: Please don't think I am insane or that I am trying to give myslef credit for anything that I am about to say. But there have been some dreams in my life that I feel have maybe been prophetic. That is a scary word to use, maybe symbolic is better. Yes, let's go with symbolic. Each time that I miscarried, I dreamed of our babies. Each dream had some similar qualities. In each dream I was able to hold each baby. I feel this was God's way of showing mercy and giving me an opportunity to see and hold the life that wasn't meant for this world. In each dream the baby was very tiny. Too tiny to be normal or healthy, but fine in my dream nonetheless. Again, I am not an interpreter but I think this is symbolic of the child never reaching the moment of birth when creation in the womb is complete. It would be natural for the baby to be small. And in each dream I was never at home with the baby. My home was never meant to be the home for those precious souls. Getting Gurt brings a whole new appreciation for the home in glory that my first three get to experience. They will never experience pain, hunger, abuse or neglect. They will never for a moment wonder if someone loves them. Gurt will most likely experience one or all of these things. But the great thing about being Gurt's Mom is that I get to spend my life making sure that no matter what happened or what will happen on this side of heaven, that Gurt can end where my other three started- in the presence of our creator. Back to the dreams - the only differnce in the dreams was the sex of the babies - a boy, a girl, and a boy respectively. I don't want to imply that this would have been what would have come. But maybe so. In all three cases I dreamed these things very soon before I began to miscarry.
Until recently I had never dreamed on someone else's behalf. Sure I dream about other people a lot. That is normal and is usually just nonsense. But before I go into the dream , let me give you a little background. I have been playing BUNKO for the last several months with a group of super fun ladies at my church. They are absolutely hilarious and always make me feel encouraged when I leave. We were playing April BUNKO at my friend Lisa's house. (HI Lisa!) I was sitting with another group member and I was talking about the adoption and giving an update. I am going to just call her "A" because I don't know if she would want her name on my blog and I respect her right to keep a pregnancy quiet in the first months. "A" said that she may be interested in adoption. She has a 2 year old but had her first miscarriage last October. As we talked I saw the pain in her eyes that only someone else in that situation knows. It overwhelms me sometimes how insensitive people can be in trying to tell you how they relate. Not to be rude, but if you haven't experienced it- you don't get it. It makes a person feel worse when you say "you'll be able to get pregnant, it was meant to be this way, I know how you feel, well my friend mom aunt sister_______ and now she has a baby". Please remember two things. 1) You don't know how they feel. Your intentions may be wonderful, but every situation is different. Be kind and quiet. Just listen. Let them talk. 2) If you haven't been through it don't tell other people's stories. I know it is with good intentions. But for someone like me who may never be able to have a pregnancy hearing "and now she has three kids" just hurts. It gives false hope. God's plan may be different for that person. His plan is to use that person and that struggle for his glory. Don't say "you'll get pregnant soon" even though you feel it is meant to be encouraging. Instead say, "I will pray that God takes care of you and gives you exactly what you need." Oh Lordy, I am chasing rabbits today. Can you tell I have had my feelings hurt by well meaning people a time or two. I harbor no hard feelings. It just breaks my heart for other Moms who have lost and then have to endure the nice things people try to say that really aren't so nice!
Back to "A". She told me of her loss. We cried together and I told her I would pray for her. About three weeks later I dreamed about "A" and I dreamed she was pregnant. I remembered it very vividly. She was pregnant with a boy. I even woke up and told Ryland about it. He didn't know "A" very well so he blew me off. I saw "A" that Friday at a Sunday school party and told her about the dream. She laughed and said hopefully someday, we are trying. I saw "A" Monday at BUNKO and she said, "Do you always have prophetic dreams?" I told her that I had a few that I thought were "symbolic" but not really. "A" proceeded to tell me that my comment at the party prompted her to buy a pregnancy test and that it was positive. She was pregnant. That weirded me out. But I am so thrilled for her. And hopefully my dream will be a fun story for her baby to hear someday. But on a related note, my friend Alanna told me in the bathroon at church that she dreamed that I had a little boy named Allen. Not my first choice for a name. But I will be freaked out if Gurt's name happens to be Allen. I believe in dreams.
The Chapmans: I know that K-LOVE has talked about Steven Curtis and Mary Beth Chapman until it is old. They lost their five year old adopted daughter, Maria, when their son ran her over in the family car. It was beyond tragic. It is a sad story to anyone but personally sad for me. I remember that after one of his concerts I felt my calling to adopt so strongly. They devoted their lives to helping couples afford adoption overseas. The song I have on this blog "When Love Takes You In" was inspired by the adoption of one of his daughters. God used his music and his family to confirm the calling to adopt in my life. I will never forget the video he showed at his concert. It was the moment that they handed his daughter Shohannah to his wife. His wife couldn't say a word. All she could do was just to cry and cry. It was a moment that I was envious of. It was a moment that I am looking forward to with so much joy. Pleae pray for this family. Pray that grief makes them stronger and more resolute in helping the orphans of this world to find forever families.
I feel like I forgot something but it is summer. If I forget I will write it tomorrow.
Prayer Focus:
1) My little Gurty. Pray that he is safe, healthy and happy. Pray that our time together is coming close. I am ready to hold my baby.
2) Pray for Maggie, our caseworker. Pray that God helps her to remember us and to be effiecient in her work.
I Love you all. I'll be calling you if you end up in my dreams!
Mindy
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