It All Comes Back Around

This is Lexus.

In January of 2007 I had just had my first miscarriage. I was devastated. I hadn't told any co-workers, so I had returned to work keeping my sad secret. I was approached by a co-worker that was a board member for Lucky Star Cavalier Rescue. They were in need of foster families for dogs who were waiting to be placed with a family. Having 2 beloved doggies at home, the time, and needing a distraction from the grief, I volunteered.

A day or so later I went to a local vet and picked up a female dog. She was malnourished and had just weaned a litter of puppies. She had been spayed a few days earlier. I put her in a little crate and put her in my car. I took her home and placed the crate in the floor and opened the door fully expecting her to run out and play with my other two friendly poodle mixes. Little did I know that it would take days for her to leave the safety of her crate to do anything other than to eat or potty quickly.

Lexus had obviously been neglected. A look at her rotten teeth and frail frame were proof of this. She had also been abused, she would stiffen and flinch with even the most gentle and slow touch. She was terrified of Ryland. It was months before she would allow him to approach her before cowering and running away. Her hips were in terrible shape from having litter upon litter of puppies and starting too young. She had baggage. She was a broken and sad little animal.

She slowly began to trust me, to come to me, and allow me to love on her. Slowly she bonded with my other two dogs and found safety and security in her little "pack". It broke my heart to know that I'd have to let her go soon.

As fate would have it, Lexus had a foot condition called grass awns, another easily preventable issue caused by neglect from her breeder. She had a surgery with my veterinarian to try and alleviate this. My vet was looking for a dog for his wife and was interested in Lexus. I struck gold! I cried my eyes out at the thought of losing her, but I was so happy! There would be no better home than that of a vet who would take care of her and keep her comfortable for the rest of her life.

I gave her away feeling good that I had helped to rehabilitate an animal and help her to trust people again.

6 weeks later I took my two doggies in to the vet for a routine set of vaccinations. My vet had tears in his eyes. He told me that Lexus was terrified of he and his wife. She would run from them and was never at ease. He asked if he could ask the organization to keep his donation, but return the dog. I arranged to pick her up. She ran to me and literally smiled. It was like we both knew she was home.

I sweet talked my husband into letting us keep her. He isn't her biggest fan, but she is my dog and I'm her person.

So when she disappeared two weekends ago, my heart broke. This dog was my distraction through 2 more miscarriages, surgeries, fertility treatments, and the death of my aunt. Some people would say its "just" a dog. I disagree. Actually, I take offense. This was therapy, something that took my mind off of me. On my worst day I was never beaten, starved, or neglected like she had been. It gave me something to pour love into.

I drove my neighborhood crying and looking for her for hours. I called the animal shelter, local vets, and Ryland put up posters. There was a freeze warning that night and I could think about was her being cold, or a "Michael Vick" picking her up and using her as pitbull bait. (Dramatic, yes... I saw a news special once and it FREAKED me out!) I resigned myself to the fact that maybe her time in our family was over. That God gave her to me on loan for that hard season of my life and maybe another family needed her more right now.

Two days later we found out that Lexus had crossed a major highway and ended up at Petsmart where she was put on the lost and found list and sent home with a foster family. We happily got their information and went to get her. When I went in to the 5000 sq feet gorgeous home, I found her lying on a leather couch on a chenille blanket and I swear she had GAINED weight. She wagged her tail but didn't get up to greet me. It was almost as if she was thinking, "well crap, back to skid row..."

That is the thanks I get for rescuing her. I know my place now.

But for the record, she belongs with me, and I am so glad she's home. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't wake up to her sneezing everyday.

Why Do I Do It?

Why Do I Do It?

Recently I was thinking about my blog and why I do it.

I have a few followers, 10's maybe. I seriously doubt that I have 100 people read a post at any given time.

I was reading a person's blog a few years back and this person was so ego centric. They felt as if their blog was so special and unique that it literally could change everything! I don't even pretend to think that mine is interesting to anyone outside of my little circle of family and friends.

If anything I do believe it has given me a small ministry. I do sincerely try to glorify God by being honest in what I put in print. By my ministry is so different now than it was when I started this blog so many years ago.

My blog began as an outlet for me to share my infertility & adoption experiences with my family and friends. I think much harder about my written words and a blog was an easy way to share about topics that some might find it uncomfortable to ask about. God was bringing me through a hard time in my life and I felt like maybe someone out there could relate and connect to my experiences.

From there it evolved- it went from an adoption story to a surprise pregnancy story. It was a way to chronicle the miracle growing in me. Again, not exciting to strangers but a great way to share with our families who were living far away.

It evolved again to a new mommy blog where I unabashedly bragged on and showed off my first born. So cute!

Then it became a story of the Russells really becoming a family. Making hard choices, leaving for new things, and adding a little Hope into the mix.

So here I am today. Why do I do this? Why do I share intensely personal, private things?

My answer is two-fold. I can't tell an honest story if it is cleaned up, edited down, and missing pieces. Miscarriage, pregnancy, birth, and kid-raising are messy. The mess is part of the lesson and the beauty in the journey. I don't share other people's garbage without permission- my hubby & kids are fair game though. So my personal privacy is out there- judge me, love me, hate me, think less of me, be annoyed, be bored- but know I am being REAL. And by being real, and telling my story, I am telling a story authored by God. The glory, the credit, the laughs, tears, and smiles, all belong to God. He generously gave me the people and experiences in this blog. I hope that if you take anything away from my blog that you can see how crazy amazing & sweet Gods love is.

And my second reason is that I want my kids to have a record, a written love letter, of how precious and wanted they both are. Again, I want them to see in my words how Gods love, provision, and blessings were with them before they ever existed. I do this for my kids.
Regardless of who reads this- this blog is my legacy to my kids. I hope it makes them proud. And I hope they will see that God had a plan for their lives before they ever were- and He still has a plan and always will.