My 2nd Mother's Day

Bittersweet. Bittersweet. Bittersweet.

Mother's day is always a roller coaster of grief and complete joy for me. I can't think of how totally crazy in love I am with Isaac and Tator Tot without being a little heartbroken over my three gone-too-soon angels that could have been. I can't fully rejoice in my blessings without thinking of so many in my life that because of pregnancy loss or infertility are not able to celebrate motherhood YET.

As my pastor read from Proverbs 31 in church today, "her children arise and call her blessed", I hope and pray that my children always fully know and understand that through them I am more blessed than I ever imagined. Yes, Isaac poops his pants a lot, cries at inconvenient times, and is sometimes downright naughty. Yes, Tator Tot makes me throw up, hurts my hips, and makes me swell like a balloon. But I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. As my Sunday school teacher so beautifully stated today, " there is nothing more precious than being able to carry a baby inside of your body and experience those first moments of life, and I'm sorry that a man will never have that." There are definitely some big drawbacks to being a woman, but pregnancy, labor, birth, stretch marks, nursing, late nights, poopy diapers, colic, vomit,loss of bladder control, are battle marks that remind you of the precious gift that God gave you even if you don't deserve it.

To my kids- Thank you for making my life more full and beautiful than I will ever be able to describe to you. You were so wanted. You are immensely loved. I pray that your life is full of blessings. And more than good health, a good education, or an amazing spouse ( all of which I want for you!) I pray that you know the God who made you perfectly in His image. I'm not a perfect Mommy, but I promise to always do my best to find God's will for you and help you achieve it.

Isaac- Slow down the growing. You are walking, talking, learning, and laughing. I have had joy in my life, but you have made it fuller, brighter, and more complete. You are so special. Everyday I think I couldn't possibly love you any more than I do, then tomorrow comes and I do.

Tator Tot- In only 13 days you will have your name. Hope Angeline Russell or Ayden Lane Russell. You couldn't have possibly come during a more inconvenient time in our lives, but I have not been anything but overjoyed! You are the second miracle that God has given me and I am so excited to see your story unfold. I rejoice at the thought that you will never know what it feels like to have your Mommy work a whole work week. For a season and maybe forever you will be my "baby". Even though I don't know where you will live when you come home from the hospital, you will live in a house with a Mommy, Daddy, and brother who love you so much.

Ry- Thank you everyday for making me a Mommy. Thank you for the shoulder to cry on during the sad years, braving morning sickness and pregnancy insanity with patience and love, and for letting me sleep when it all gets tiresome. Thank you for passing your beautiful smile and handsome genes on to our son. Thank you for being mine. I can't IMAGINE doing this with anyone else. I am enjoying the journey. And someday when it's just us again, I know I am going to still be just as madly in love with you as I am right now.

My Momma- I hope your card said it all today. I love you. Thank you for feeling the way about me that I feel about my kids. I never understood mommy love before, but I do now.

To all of you who are dealing with miscarriage, infertility, or the call to adopt- I ran across a website that I thought might encourage you. I believe that God's word is powerful and alive. I hope this will strengthen your heart in what is no doubt the most discouragingly heartbreaking season of your life. Happy Mother's Day in advance- your day WILL come.

Here is an excerpt from Hannah's Prayer Ministries, an online support for infertility and adoption:

1) Many Christians like to claim, "Every promise in the Book (Bible) is mine." However, not all of the promises of the Bible are to be claimed and practiced by Christian believers. Before you stop reading, please consider the following:
* Many of the promises of the Old Testament are for the nation of Israel before Jesus Christ came to earth.
* Many of these Old Testament promises were given to Israel as a nation at that time, and were never promised to individuals, then or now.
* Many statements, especially in the Old Testament, that are claimed as promises by some Christians, were never given by God as promises, but only as a general statement or principle for living.
* Some of the promises of the Bible are to Satan and his followers concerning their doom. God never intended for Christians to claim these personally!
2) In Genesis 18, Sarah, Abraham's wife, laughed when God told Abraham they would have a baby in a year. It was not Sarah's faith, but God's working in spite of her lack of faith that produced the child, Isaac.
3) In Luke 1:6-7, Zechariah and Elizabeth, the parents of John the Baptist, were "upright in the sight of God. But they had no children because Elizabeth was barren." Notice that there was no particular sin in the life of either Zechariah or Elizabeth that was the cause of their childlessness. God kept Elizabeth childless until the proper time on His calendar. Notice also that when Elizabeth did finally conceive, she said the Lord had removed her shame "in the sight of PEOPLE" (Luke 1:25), not "in the sight of God."
4) Even Jesus, the night before His death, asked God to "take away the cup" of the crucifixion. The Father did not spare His Son the pain of the cross, and we have salvation today because of Christ's suffering and the resurrection. God's will is always more important than our own desires (see Matthew 26:39 and 42, Mark 14:35, and Luke 2:42).
5) Job was a righteous man. Even God said so! Yet God allowed Satan to take all of Job's physical blessings: health, wealth, prosperity, and all of his children. Job's suffering brought glory to God alone (see the book of Job).
6) The Apostle Paul, the human author of most of our New Testament books, had a physical problem of some kind. He repeatedly asked God to take this problem away. God's reply was, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:7-10).
7) In the book of Hebrews, the entire second half of the very "faith" chapter itself is devoted to those who did NOT receive promises on earth, yet trusted God anyway (Hebrews 11:36-39). They are held up as examples of faith for us to follow rather than as failure stories.
God's character is that of a Father who delights in giving good gifts to His children (Matthew 7:9-11; James 1:17), thus our hope is sustained when all seems grim. With such a loving Lord we can live in peace, knowing that His plans have our eternal best at heart (Jeremiah 29:11; Romans 8:28). God does say that our heart's desires will be fulfilled when we seek after Him (see Psalm 37:4), but truly seeking after Him requires allowing Him to change our human desires to align with His holy will for each of our lives. It is the view of Hannah's Prayer leadership that God does not promise pregnancy or a baby to every Christian walking in His ways. However, He does promise that He will direct our ways when we trust in Him (Proverbs 3:5-6) and that His grace will be sufficient for the times of trial.

If you would, please pray for our house to sell- I am ready to move back in with my hubby!!!