A Tribute to My Friend

Lexus came into my house for the first time in a tiny dog carrier about a week after being spayed in the late spring of 2007. She was to be my foster dog.  She had just left a 12 week old litter of puppies and had a fear of everything. She also had a painful and chronic foot condition caused by grass awns. I reached into her crate to pet her and she flinched. When she finally came out she immediately had an accident on the floor only to quickly retreat back into the safety of her crate. She came to us through Lucky Star Cavalier Rescue who purchased her at a puppy mill auction in Missouri. I was dealing with the heartbreak of two miscarriages a few months earlier and fostering Lexus was to be my summer project, my distraction from the grief.

She was hot natured and loved a good vent.

It took Lexus a few days to feel safe enough to venture outside of her crate to do more than eat or potty, and it took her a few weeks to trust me enough to approach me for petting, months for Ryland, and years for strangers. I'd hold her everyday and pet her, showing her that despite the abuse she'd known in her former life, that people can be kind. Rehabilitating her was therapy for me too. Watching her progress thrilled me. And in some way helped me deal with my grief.

The time came for us to say goodbye to Lexus as we found a forever home for her. She was adopted by my veterinarian and his wife. I was relieved that she'd be going to live with a kind person who would always be able to care for her. I had grown attached to her and cried for a week after giving her away. I kind of felt like she had become mine. And that I was her person.

Always such a pretty girl.

After 6 weeks I took my 2 dogs in for a routine vet visit and in the course of the visit my vet tearfully told me how Lexus had failed to bond with he and his wife, she'd tried to escape, and had been very destructive. He said he felt terribly guilty and wanted to return her to the rescue organization for re-homing. I did a happy dance and bullied my husband into letting us keep her. She was mine and I couldn't bear to let go of her again.

I arranged to pick her up the next day, and when she saw me, I swear she smiled. There was tail wagging, happy noises, and dog-joy like I'd never seen before. She sat in my lap, tongue-out, head out the window as I took her HOME.

Younger and healthy.

Time passed and we made great memories:

* the time she tree'd a squirrel and nearly caught it- she was so proud!

* the way she'd collect all her dog toys and put them in her bed like puppies

* her chronic need to over-eat

* her Houdini like escape abilities

* her first time to see Isaac, she'd sniff his baby hiney and alert us to his dirty diapers, she also hated to hear him cry

* the way she never got aggressive or even attempted to bite- she was the most gentle dog I've ever known

* the way Hope talked to her in her "dog" voice

* the time a nest of baby bunnies fell victim to her even though she was already hard of hearing and vision. Traumatic for us- victory for her.

* the way she snored loud enough to rattle the walls

Those are the things that I'll keep in my heart as I face today and the days after without my dog.

Spot the real puppies.

For months I've been worried about her. Her body has been in decline. Between the episodes of grass awns, a heart murmur, and her hips that don't really function due to birthing too many pups too young, she doesn't have the joy and vigor that she once did. She has become increasingly dependent on me to move her from room to room and her separation anxiety is heart wrenching- she'll cry for me even though I'm only a room away. With her heart condition she is not a candidate for surgery and even if she was it would only prolong a life that no longer has much quality. She is confined only to the carpeted areas of our home which are small and not often close enough to me for her comfort. After reading about my friend Mandy's decision to let go of her Macy (http://soonerstospartans.blogspot.com/?m=1) , talking with my friend who is a vet, and hearing the relief in the voice of my mom when I told her my decision, I realized that the kindest thing I can do is to let go of Lexus.

I cannot medically do anymore to help her, and as I get more pregnant and soon wrapped in the demands of a newborn, I cannot give her relief from pain or enough of me to keep her happy. I firmly believe Lexus would go on for much longer for me. She loves me more than any other person or thing on earth. To her I am perfect and flawless- I am and always have been her person. So today as I say goodbye I am thankful. Thankful that she helped me in the darkest season of my life. Thankful that she endured the "love" inflicted on her by two toddlers. Thankful for her meekness, gentle demeanor, and the joy she received simply from sitting at my feet.

Resting with Isaac.

So I held her and kissed her head as she peacefully went to sleep this morning. My heart aches but I take comfort in knowing that her body is at rest. She'll never know pain again, and it's been a long time since she hasn't known pain.

Last nap in my lap.

Farewell my sweet friend. If lap dogs are allowed in heaven then I hope you'll wait by the fireplace in my house there. Goodness knows that you were a dog who'd deserve it.  You were very loved and will be greatly, greatly missed.