What I Needed Most

The last 2 days have been sad. Some of the hardest minutes and hours that I've dealt with in awhile. I miss Lexus. I miss the noises that she made. I miss her bossy bark. I  miss the way she'd pace around the dog food bowls looking for left overs often prompting Sadie, my slow eater to growl at her. I miss the adoring way she looked at me. I miss touching her. There's a hole and I have spilled many tears, especially as I watch my kids and dogs notice her absence.

But at the kid's bedtime, after Hope and her Daddy bumped heads during the neck "snark" portion of the bedtime routine, I crawled into a tiny toddler bed with my crying 2-year-old. She rested her on my chest and I rubbed her back until she started to snore. I smelled her hair and thought about how small she is and how quickly she's growing. She'll be three in just 2 months, a big sister in four. And almost on cue Eden started to kick the big sister who was unknowingly squishing her.

And then the tears came, followed by gratitude. Even in the midst of grief, I have so much to be thankful for. I am so thankful for that moment, in this fleeting season. Thankful for the interaction between my daughters who were completely unaware. I love that I was the only one who knew. It was like a sweet secret. All too soon Hope will outgrow her tiny toddler bed and sleeping on her Mom, and all too soon my season of childbearing will come to an end and I'll never again feel the indescribable miracle of feeling your child from the inside. It was a sacred moment that I don't ever want to forget. My two girls, such gifts, so much love.

And in that moment, that little snippet of time, I know that what I needed most was to be reminded of my blessings, my home, my daughters. And while the waves of grief and guilt come, I pray that I find only gratitude. I pray that I remember that I am motivated by and surrounded with love. And that I have been given more than I deserve.

I still miss my Lex, and I anticipate more hard days to come, but I am thankful that God always provides what I need most, moment to moment, day by day. I am thankful.