Sick 2

Isaac is incredible. He is smart. He is sweet. He makes me love deeply. He gives me hope for the future.

He is stubborn. Feet planted, non-line crossing, this is the WAY IT IS, stubborn. I have no idea where he gets it.

I try to be a "Love and Logic" type of parent. I try to present choices and inform him of the consequences of each choice. Not that I don't lose it occasionally, my patience is limited. But I genuinely try to make learning experiences out of discipline.

But there are times when nothing works, when the opposite of what he wants happens and Isaac sticks his pouty lip out, crosses his arms, sits downs, and cries it out until he can move on from whatever it is today.

And it breaks my heart for a millisecond, only because my child in pain grieves my heart too. But then I remember: I am doing it because I love him. I am doing it because I desire good for my beloved child. I am doing it because it is MY job to train him. He will thank me for it later, when he sees beyond the moment. I've got it under control. I won't push him beyond what he can handle in his position.

Today, I am the stubborn child, I am the one ugly crying. I am the one digging my heels in because I was handed the opposite of what I wanted. I am the one acting like a spoiled brat with a pouty lip.

I have not been handed life and death. I am not dealing with something that is a game changer in my marriage, home, or job. But I am dealing with something out of my control, and I HATE that. Even though time and time again God has shown me that all I do is damage things when I take them over, I have to battle my nature to hang on, over plan, and control.

And it is as if I can see God across the room, his heart breaking for a millisecond, because he loves me. I am his child, and it grieves him to see me in pain. He is bringing me through this because he loves me, desires good for me, and wants to train me to be more like him. He knows I'll thank him for it later, when I can see past this hard moment. He's got it under control. He'll not push me beyond what I can handle in this season.

Here's where I feel like a brat. I have a family member dealing with cancer, fighting HARD. My life is easy compared to that. I have friends who have done everything imaginable to have and sustain a pregnancy and can't. That is pain. I have loved ones dealing with grief, depression, job issues, and a myriad of other difficulties. I'm not there.

But today my heart is a little broken because I have two kids who are sick with pretty minor things but I am in knots because I can't fix any of it on my own, and definitely not as quickly as I want to.

I posted this the other day. But things have gotten worse. Not scary worse, or serious worse. Just out of my control worse. For me that it the worst kind of worse.

Even as I type this, I get angry at myself and my inability to trust in a God who continually makes provision for me. God, forgive me.

 

Isaac began to run a fever after his birthday party Sunday night. I thought it was a fluke. After all, his month long ear infection had finally cleared up. We had just been to the doctor Friday for a perfect 3 year well check. He has been know to run 24 hour fevers and then be fine. I decided to wait it out.

 

Monday morning God answered a prayer for Hope. We were able to get her into an ENT. 45 MINUTES AFTER I CALLED. Granted it was the eighth ENT office I called, but everyone else had appointment bookings for a minimum of 2 weeks out. There had been a last minute cancellation and I got it. Divine appointment? I think so. Ryland basically ran out the door with her and had her in with an audiologist in less than an hour. Thank you God for providing, even for the untrusting, ungratefuls among us. Hope had a substantial fluid buildup behind her eardrums and will have her adenoids removed and tubes inserted in 9 days. Her ears won't heal in the meantime, so we are keeping infection at bay with antibiotics and giving tylenol to keep her comfortable.

Which brings me back to my little guy, who has battled a fever for three days now. We went to his regular pediatrician today. She tested my hacking, runny-nosed, snuggle bug for the flu. The skeptic in me felt that I was being gouged for money, so of course he was positive for flu B. So we have started tamiflu. He also has the beginning of his third ear infection since December. The last one took 3 weeks and 2 rounds of antibiotics to heal. And we have been referred to an ENT. Yes, another one. I am hoping that we can have another little miracle, and get in quickly. In the meantime, I have an appointment for the day after Hope's surgery. My guess will be adenoids and tubes, just like Hope. He had tubes at 9 months after a winter much like this one.

I have some fears. Fears of things I can't control. The cost of 2 potential surgeries will be substantial on our family in the season of means that are LIM.IT.ED. and insurance that is meager at best. We have a kissy set of kids, one with flu, one that has been exposed a lot. Ryland and I also neglected to get flu shots  for ourselves this year. I definitely fear that one or all of us could get it. And for me days off equal no pay. And I hate hate hate hate hate that my kids aren't well and I can do NOTHING to make them well. I can't take their hurts. I can't relieve the pain in their ears, I can't offer more than a temporary fix. I feel insanely helpless.

And then there are my selfish things. I am missing a fun staff development opportunity at work. And we cancelled a trip to my in-laws house. We don't want to expose 4 additional people to my boy who will be contagious for 5-7 more days, and we feel like both kids need the rest. Neither of them feel well. It is the best thing, but my husband misses his family, and I love spending time with them too. There were many tears shed over this trip. I really wanted to be there. And I hate disappointing the generous, adoring, much-loved, grandparents of my two kids.

 

I am praying through this. Praying that God will turn my pouty, bratty heart into a wise, grateful one. I am praying healing, comfort, rest, and quickly moving doctors for my kids. And I am praying that God will forgive my distrust and anxiety and help me to overcome it. 

I hope that, no.... I know that God can handle my volatility tonight. I know he loves me in spite of it. And I know that all will be made clear at the appointed time. But tonight, this moment, is hard. The tears are right on edge, and I am tired.

But as I reflect on an old, sweet hymn. I find comfort. Anne Hawks wrote these words in 1872. I can only think that maybe she was a mother too. Worried, tired, unable to do what she wanted- seeking the only one who is able to do immeasurably more than all we can ask or imagine.

Jesus, afford me peace, stay nearby, teach me thy will, but mostly, make me thine. Indeed. Amen.

I Need The Every Hour

I need Thee every hour, most gracious Lord;
No tender voice like Thine can peace afford.

I need Thee, oh, I need Thee;
Every hour I need Thee;
Oh, bless me now, my Savior,
I come to Thee.

I need Thee every hour, stay Thou nearby;
Temptations lose their pow’r when Thou art nigh.

I need Thee every hour, in joy or pain;
Come quickly and abide, or life is vain.

I need Thee every hour; teach me Thy will;
And Thy rich promises in me fulfill.

I need Thee every hour, most Holy One;
Oh, make me Thine indeed, Thou blessed Son